Today I am joined by Nikki Patrick, and she shares her inspirational journey through the darkness and into the light. She has done tremendous work to process her childhood traumas and has found her purpose in helping others see through the darkness to the freedom on the other side. Forgiveness and unconditional love are the way through to your healing. Listen in as Nikki shares her story and wisdom with us.
About our guest:
Nikki Patrick-Swartz is a Certified Hypnotherapist, Reiki Master & Sound Healing Practitioner from Easton Maryland. Her passion is helping others find a way out of their darkness and into a life they absolutely love. She spent many years battling mental illness, abuse, trauma, addiction, and the stigmas associated with those struggles. Her story truly is one of inspiration and success as she has overcome tremendous hardships and completely turned her life around for the better.
https://www.livinginthesolution.net/
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Transcript
I know you, you’re afraid to speak up.
Anna Maydonova:You’re scared of what other people think of you. And you
Anna Maydonova:blame yourself for what happened to you. I know how it feels.
Anna Maydonova:Because I’ve been there. If you found me, I’m so grateful you
Anna Maydonova:are here. This podcast will give you hope. And I’m your host in a
Anna Maydonova:made ANOVA. And I’m going to hold your hand and provide the
Anna Maydonova:guidance. It’s time for you to find your why. And turn your
Anna Maydonova:experience into your biggest power. This is your time now. So
Anna Maydonova:lock your door, put your headphones in, and enjoy. Nikki
Anna Maydonova:Patrick, welcome to the world’s best Trauma Recovery podcast.
Nikki Patrick:Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here.
Anna Maydonova:Niki, I’m so glad to have you on my podcast,
Anna Maydonova:because your story is incredible. And it is such a
Anna Maydonova:inspiring and empowering for those who went through a sexual
Anna Maydonova:childhood sexual abuse and being addicted to being addicted
Anna Maydonova:beyond and trying to escape. Nikki, I would really love to
Anna Maydonova:hear more about your story. But before I want to, I want to ask
Anna Maydonova:you if you could tell us what, what is your purpose in this
Anna Maydonova:life?
Nikki Patrick:Hmm. I feel like my I’ve been on a journey,
Nikki Patrick:searching for what my purpose is these past few years. And I
Nikki Patrick:definitely feel as if my purpose in this life is to help others
Nikki Patrick:heal from their trauma as well. And find a way out of the
Nikki Patrick:darkness. I was stuck in the darkness for many, many years.
Nikki Patrick:And I didn’t know how to get out of it. And so I just kept trying
Nikki Patrick:to escape any way that I could. And finally, I was brought to my
Nikki Patrick:knees you know, you reach bottom, and there’s nowhere else
Nikki Patrick:to go. So it was either die or, or live or choose life. And so I
Nikki Patrick:feel like now that I have been able to successfully pull myself
Nikki Patrick:out of that. I want to help others do the same.
Anna Maydonova:What an amazing purpose. And how did you come to
Anna Maydonova:this point? Could you tell us a bit more about your childhood?
Anna Maydonova:And yes, was happening?
Unknown:Yes, I would love to, um, it’s finally a story that I
Unknown:can tell without any emotional charge behind it. And I was so I
Unknown:was the firstborn of my mom. And my mother and father. They
Unknown:married very young, they weren’t probably ready. But my mom came
Unknown:from a very abusive home, alcoholic home where there was a
Unknown:lot of narcissism, a lot of physical abuse, mental abuse,
Unknown:emotional abuse. And from what I’m understanding, because she’s
Unknown:no longer with us, she was also sexually abused. And she was
Unknown:it’s rumored that she was passed around knowingly passed around
Unknown:to my grandfather’s friends as a young teenager, so they could
Unknown:have their way with her. And so I believe that her trauma, her
Unknown:unprocessed trauma was the reason why she behaved the way
Unknown:she did and raised me and my brother the way she did, which
Unknown:was very in a very dysfunctional way. She just never back then.
Unknown:And in the 60s and the 70s, you didn’t really admit to having
Unknown:mental illness, you didn’t really know there was no help.
Unknown:You know, there was no real help for people who had been through
Unknown:that type of trauma, and to even admit it would be admitting
Unknown:weakness. And that I think, was a belief of hers that she didn’t
Unknown:want to look at that, you know. So she herself did a lot of
Unknown:drugs to cover up her pain. There was a lot of manipulation,
Unknown:a lot of paranoia, a lot of there’s a lot, you know, going
Unknown:on with her that was unable to be treated. And so when I tell
Unknown:this story, I want to start off by saying that I have come to a
Unknown:place where I’ve been able to forgive my mother and love her
Unknown:and understand and have compassion and empathy for her
Unknown:as an abuser. First person, you know, as a victim of trauma and
Unknown:childhood trauma. And so when I was born, she had married my
Unknown:father to escape the farm that my grandparents lived on. And we
Unknown:grew up on a working farm, we had 1000 hogs and 40,000,
Unknown:chickens and horses and cows that it was a very big ordeal.
Unknown:And so she needed to get out of that life. So she married my
Unknown:father, who was in the military. And so it seemed like a really
Unknown:good way out. But they did not get along at all. She had me and
Unknown:then two years later had my brother. And she was not
Unknown:prepared at he or she was 18. When she had me, she was not
Unknown:prepared, I think for the responsibility of a child and I
Unknown:was a very hyper child. I was very active. I was into
Unknown:everything. And I think that also added a lot of stress to
Unknown:her life. So my mother, she was a very, for the first seven
Unknown:years of my life, she was like a practicing witch. And then she
Unknown:became this born again, Bible thumping Christian. And I think
Unknown:she was in the Pentecostal denomination of that. And so,
Unknown:after my father and hers, marriage was so violent, he
Unknown:broke her jaw, they were always fighting. They were always
Unknown:throwing things. And I remember dishes being broken. I remember
Unknown:my father, you know, he was a workaholic, he worked a lot, he
Unknown:wasn’t home to give her attention and things like that.
Unknown:But also, my father had his own issues as well, he drank, he was
Unknown:an alcoholic, and he he would be very controlling, we weren’t
Unknown:allowed to make noise. When we ate at the dinner table, we
Unknown:could make noise when we drank anything. And so I was, I think
Unknown:five and my brother was three, I remember this, this memory of my
Unknown:father, my brother making noise, you know, when he was eating,
Unknown:smacking his lips and making noise. And my father had, I
Unknown:guess, told us so many times. So he snatches my brother up and
Unknown:beats the shit out of him. And I was powerless, I was screaming
Unknown:and crying for my brother and trying to protect him. And there
Unknown:was, you know, this big huge fight. And I just remember, you
Unknown:know, everything being ruined, going, you know, having to go to
Unknown:bed and, and not eating dinner. And so
Unknown:those types of that was it was that kind of violence in the
Unknown:home, always yelling, always screaming, there was no safe
Unknown:place. When I started kindergarten, it was only half
Unknown:day, but I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to, even though home
Unknown:was violent. I didn’t want to be away from home. I was very
Unknown:traumatized as a young child, but not knowing that, you know,
Unknown:I mean, this was in the 70s. So they finally divorced when I was
Unknown:six. And my mother immediately went to the next guy, and she
Unknown:married him. And he was a big time drug dealer. And she was I
Unknown:think she was doing drugs. I don’t know, she kept it very
Unknown:secret, but I’m pretty sure from what people tell me she was on
Unknown:drugs. And she was doing a lot of cocaine. And so that made her
Unknown:very violent as well. So we, I mean, I remember getting beat
Unknown:with extension cords and hair brushes and shoes, and whatever
Unknown:she could hit us with. There was one time where I was playing in
Unknown:the front yard, just minding my business, I had this little
Unknown:metal milk crate, you know, and I was playing with my dog babies
Unknown:in this, you know, milk crate, and the dogs come running around
Unknown:from the backyard, they had let the dogs out. And they trampled
Unknown:over me. And I was pushed into this metal milk crate, and my
Unknown:ribs were broken, while I was crying, and crying and like
Unknown:upset and my mother comes and she smacks me in the face. And
Unknown:she says, pull it together. You are You know, before I give you
Unknown:something really to cry about. And she didn’t know at the time
Unknown:my ribs were broken. But I remember going into my room and
Unknown:thinking, Why doesn’t she love me? Why How could How could she?
Unknown:How could she be like this to her daughter? How could How
Unknown:could she not love me? And I assigned that meaning? I I
Unknown:remember thinking I hated her and I was so angry and I hated
Unknown:her. And I was I I just saw and cried and lay there in my bed
Unknown:and pain. And I just remember thinking I hate you. I hate You
Unknown:I hate you. And it wasn’t until hours later that I was finally
Unknown:taken to the hospital. And they did X rays and found out that I
Unknown:had broke my ribs. So of course, then she was all apologetic. It
Unknown:was like this, this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with her, you never
Unknown:knew what you were going to get. And I had to quickly learn how
Unknown:to gauge your room when I walked in, because I never knew if she
Unknown:was going to be nice. Or if she was going to be this raging,
Unknown:angry person, you know, that marriage didn’t last long. And
Unknown:then she moved on to the next marriage, we moved a lot, I went
Unknown:to a different school every year, we oftentimes I would come
Unknown:home and there wouldn’t be any lights, the electric would be
Unknown:turned off, or there’d be an eviction notice on the door
Unknown:because we wouldn’t have been able to pay the rent. And so we
Unknown:lived in people’s basements, I remember living in a basement of
Unknown:a friend’s house, and it would flood when it would rain. So we
Unknown:were on pallets. And that were just a little bit above the
Unknown:floor, on with sleeping bags, and this was our bed, and then
Unknown:water would come in and flood our whole sleeping area. So it
Unknown:was it was very much there was no security or stability in my
Unknown:life as a child. And so I was expected to go to school and
Unknown:learn and and pay attention and focus. And I just couldn’t do
Unknown:it. Like I was really struggling in school. And because I was
Unknown:expected to bring home good grades, and there was no
Unknown:understanding of what I was experiencing at the time, I
Unknown:would get in trouble I would get beat if I didn’t bring home or
Unknown:wasn’t on on a roll or bring home a good grade. So I learned
Unknown:quickly how to cheat and how to just get by, you know, with the
Unknown:skin of my teeth. And so the third husband was a very mean
Unknown:and violent man. This is when she became the born again,
Unknown:Christian. And we were going to we there was a church, it’s
Unknown:local to hear. We had to go to church, every time there was
Unknown:church, everything. Because she was a practicing witch before
Unknown:she became a Christian. Everything was about spiritual
Unknown:warfare, everything was about demons. And she took us to be
Unknown:exercised by a priest and have the demons removed from us.
Unknown:Every punishment then became in the name of God. You know, it
Unknown:was very sick, very sick and twisted. We had a she had a
Unknown:paddle. The paddle, it was painted on the panel was a
Unknown:little girl sitting on a bench looking sad. And it said spare
Unknown:the rod spoil the child. And that was the panel she beat us
Unknown:with that they well they beat us with and so they would line. So
Unknown:it was me and my brother, but then my mother said, Oh, I can
Unknown:help other children through this church. And so she took in other
Unknown:troubled kids not through the state, but through this
Unknown:dysfunctional church, you know, and thought she was doing God’s
Unknown:work. And there was 11 of us at one time in the house. And they
Unknown:used to line us up and just beat us for you know, spank us with
Unknown:this paddle. If one person was bad, we all got in trouble. She
Unknown:made us. This is so crazy. She made us write down we had an
Unknown:assign one time she said everybody sit down at the table
Unknown:she made us write us the worst punishment we could possibly
Unknown:think of. And she was like, if you don’t do it, right, you’re
Unknown:gonna get in trouble. So I wrote 10 wax with a paddle by each
Unknown:child to the person who got in trouble. And so my stepbrother
Unknown:had gotten in trouble so badly that he had to pull out of this.
Unknown:They called it the it was like this wicker angel that sat on
Unknown:the mantel. And it was a just a tchotchkes a little mantelpiece,
Unknown:you know. And so she put all her folded up pieces of paper inside
Unknown:of this angel and called the angel of death. And he had to
Unknown:pick out of that, and he picked that one. And so we all had this
Unknown:to beat him with this paddle. And I remember thinking to
Unknown:myself, oh my god, he must be hurting so bad. I’m going to hit
Unknown:him lower on his legs. So just to give his butt some rest, you
Unknown:know. And so, after it was over, of course, he couldn’t go to
Unknown:school for a week because he was bruised. He couldn’t even sit
Unknown:down. He had to lay on his stomach. And so I got in
Unknown:trouble. It was my fault that he couldn’t go to school because I
Unknown:hit him lower on his legs and I bruised him. And then it was the
Unknown:kids. The other kids were like, well, who wrote that? And I was
Unknown:like, Well, I did. You know, it was just following the rules. So
Unknown:I became the They were, you know, that was my fault as well
Unknown:from their perspective. So a lot of things were blamed on me,
Unknown:throughout this whole experience, you know, have, I
Unknown:tried to run away and I was always brought back. Then
Unknown:finally, I, when I was like, I think 13 or 14, their marriage
Unknown:wasn’t working out. Again, we had been moving here and there,
Unknown:and here and there. And I think they’re 14, I smoked pot for the
Unknown:first time. And, like, right after that, I did some other
Unknown:drugs, I tried cocaine, I tried meth. And so that was the
Unknown:beginning of my drug use to escape. And so instead of
Unknown:getting any kind of help, I just use drugs. And so starting from
Unknown:like, the age of 14, I became sexually active. I became, you
Unknown:know, I started using drugs, I started partying all the time,
Unknown:this is like in the late 80s, early 90s, I became, I had to
Unknown:start working at 13 to help pay the bills because she had left
Unknown:him
Unknown:finally, and she got with another guy who was 11 years
Unknown:younger than her. So she kept getting with these men over and,
Unknown:you know, I mean, it was it, she couldn’t be alone, it was always
Unknown:had to be validated by some form, have a relationship with
Unknown:another man. And we came second to that. And so there was a lot
Unknown:of times where we didn’t have food, we ate like, I remember,
Unknown:there was a week where we had zucchini every single day.
Unknown:That’s it nothing else, because that’s all they could afford to
Unknown:get from, like the local farmers market or whatever food banks,
Unknown:you know what I mean? So it was very food was very scarce. And I
Unknown:remember finally, when I started working, she would take my
Unknown:paychecks. And she would be like, you have to start helping
Unknown:to contribute to the household. At 13 years old, I wasn’t even
Unknown:legal to work. And I was working under the table at a restaurant
Unknown:washing dishes, to help out with the family. So very quickly,
Unknown:responsibility was dumped on my shoulders as a child, I remember
Unknown:to at 10 years old, she took in a brother, two brothers one was
Unknown:too and the other one was four days old. The mother was in
Unknown:prison. And she had the baby in prison, and my mom’s had the
Unknown:baby. And well, at 10 years old, it was my responsibility to get
Unknown:up for midnight feedings to change the baby to take care of
Unknown:the baby, because she had to get up and work all day long. Thank
Unknown:God, my stepfather was a truck driver, and he was gone for the
Unknown:whole week, you’d only be home on the weekend. So that was
Unknown:great. Because as long as he wasn’t in the house, it was
Unknown:great. So at 10 years old, I knew how to cook full family
Unknown:dinners. Do you know household chores and take care of this
Unknown:baby this infant that was only 10 years or you know that was
Unknown:only four days old when we got him. And again, like still this
Unknown:this very angry perspective, you know, I mean of God, a punishing
Unknown:God, a vengeful God a judging God, you know what I mean? It
Unknown:was all that was what we were taught, you know. And so, to me,
Unknown:that never resonated with me. I was like, That just doesn’t make
Unknown:sense. This can’t be right. So I I separated from God, when as
Unknown:soon as I was as soon as she left him, and that was no longer
Unknown:her her thing anymore. I was like, Screw this, I’m out of
Unknown:this religious stuff, you know? And I really like I really
Unknown:thought, like, what kind of God would allow me to go through
Unknown:this, you know, what kind of God would would be okay with this,
Unknown:you know, and so I really separated myself even further
Unknown:from God and I started to act out sexually. There is some
Unknown:instance now I can’t remember everything. But I know that
Unknown:there was always people around, she was partying a lot. And
Unknown:there was people in and out of the house and there was men
Unknown:around who were inappropriate, you know, with me as a child,
Unknown:and I would always, you know, feel uncomfortable and get up
Unknown:and run away, but they were very touchy feely in an inappropriate
Unknown:way with a child, you know. And so, what had had my experience
Unknown:with sexual abuse is my father inappropriately touched me as
Unknown:well. Made me feel very uncomfortable. He used to make
Unknown:me massage his legs, and all the way into the groin area and then
Unknown:he would want to do my Do you know? Yes, and and so when he
Unknown:would do that to me, he would slide in between, you know, my
Unknown:lips down there. And so, finally I had had enough and I was just
Unknown:like, I can’t take this anymore. And I told my mom, and I begged
Unknown:my mother not to call the police. I begged her, I was
Unknown:like, I just don’t want to go back over there, please, just
Unknown:remove me, you know, I mean, I just don’t want to go now. He
Unknown:denied it. Ever. No. And on it, once again, I’m you know, I was
Unknown:blamed my stepmother, my brother, my stepbrother,
Unknown:everybody, because he denied it, you know, I was just causing
Unknown:trouble. Because at this time, by this time, I’m really
Unknown:troubled, you know, I’m getting into trouble, I would have run
Unknown:away a few times. I wasn’t doing that great in school.
Unknown:So I was just acting out, you know, just trying to get the
Unknown:attention that I needed. But she has was so good at manipulation
Unknown:and brainwashing that she was terrified of social services
Unknown:coming in, and oh, if they take you away, it’s gonna be way
Unknown:worse than what you have here. And the fear of the unknown, you
Unknown:know. So, as I tried to heal from that, I ended up on some
Unknown:psych meds, and that didn’t go over well. And I ended up in the
Unknown:psych ward for trying to take too many of my pills. I wanted
Unknown:to die, you know. And so that was at, I think, 14 was my first
Unknown:time in an institution. It was the beginning, then 15 was my
Unknown:first time in rehab. And I tried to stay clean after that, but it
Unknown:just, I just wasn’t in the right environment. I was doing a lot
Unknown:of LSD, a lot of drinking. I was doing all manner of drugs to
Unknown:escape and to get away, you know. So the this fourth husband
Unknown:that my mom was, he was a crackhead. He liked to smoke
Unknown:crack, and he drank alcohol and he would spend our money and he
Unknown:ended up ripping off some one of the bigger drug dealers. And so
Unknown:we had to move out of state. And so we moved to Tennessee, which
Unknown:totally, you know, turned my world upside down again. And so
Unknown:I became more and more sexually active seeking out this love and
Unknown:this attention and this affection from anybody who would
Unknown:give it to me, you know, boys my age, of course, I didn’t really
Unknown:go for older guys, because I guess the father figures in my
Unknown:life had completely turned me off. So I wanted to be, you
Unknown:know, with guys my age. But I was totally like, I mean, I’ve
Unknown:literally, I guess I guess you could say it was a slut. But,
Unknown:but I was very, very sexually promiscuous. I didn’t care if I
Unknown:was the side chick. I didn’t care. You know, and I mean, I
Unknown:was just, that’s just who I was, you know. So as time went on,
Unknown:finally, my mother, she hit me the last time when I was 16
Unknown:years old. And she we had my brother and I and told her, you
Unknown:know, with all the kids had gone home after at this point, you
Unknown:know, now that she’s with the fourth husband, and my brother
Unknown:and I told her if you know, if this crackhead husband had gone
Unknown:out on a bender, I think gotten an accident had to be life
Unknown:flighted. And we told her is like if you take him back, we’re
Unknown:leaving. Well, lo and behold, she takes him back. So we said,
Unknown:we’re leaving. And she didn’t like that. So she tried to beat
Unknown:me with a stick and she had hit me like three times. And on the
Unknown:fourth time, she went to hit me with it, I stopped her. And I
Unknown:took 16 years of rage and anger out on her, and I beat the shit
Unknown:out of her. Like I literally just went off and my brother
Unknown:heard us fighting and he comes down with a baseball bat. And he
Unknown:tells my mom, if you touch her one more time, I’m gonna kill
Unknown:you. And so really, because my brother did that, you know, it
Unknown:woke her up, I guess. And so finally we were able to leave.
Unknown:And she let us go. My grandparents were happened to be
Unknown:in town. They had taken my brother on a summer long trip to
Unknown:Alaska from Tennessee, and they were bringing him back and I
Unknown:asked, Could I please come live with them? And so I was able to
Unknown:leave that house and go live with them. It’s I was 16 he was
Unknown:14 and we both left my mom at that time within I started to do
Unknown:good, but I was still Trying to escape I had, I was going to
Unknown:school, I was getting on a roll, I had three jobs. And I had a
Unknown:boyfriend and I still was just like, in this Go, go go like
Unknown:flight flight flight. Like if I just keep myself busy enough, if
Unknown:I just keep myself, you know, I won’t have to feel these
Unknown:feelings, I won’t have to, to feel this discomfort and this
Unknown:pain. And so I had become, I had become my mom in a lot of ways.
Unknown:You know, I didn’t have any other example. I didn’t have any
Unknown:other. You know, that was my conditioning. My grandparents
Unknown:were also narcissistic, alcoholics and dysfunctional,
Unknown:and so it didn’t get too much better. And when I was 17, I
Unknown:ended up getting pregnant. And they kicked me out of the house.
Unknown:And I went to
Unknown:17. And they kicked me out, they were ashamed of me. I was, you
Unknown:know, unwed, mother, teenage mother, and they just, you know,
Unknown:an abomination to God or whatever they wanted to call it.
Unknown:And so I ended up going to live with my aunt, which they were
Unknown:going to put me in a home for girls in Baltimore. Because I
Unknown:live in Maryland, and four girls who get pregnant and put their
Unknown:babies up for adoption and never see them again. And so I didn’t
Unknown:want to do that. So my aunt was like, we’ll help you put the
Unknown:baby up for adoption. And so I went to live with her in Costa
Unknown:Rica, which was great experience, I had a great time.
Unknown:But when it came to, I knew what I was doing was the best thing
Unknown:for my child, by putting him up for adoption. But it still hit
Unknown:me really hard. I felt like a failure as a woman a failure as
Unknown:a mom, you know, but I knew I was terrified to be a mother
Unknown:terrified, I knew I wasn’t I didn’t have the skill set. To
Unknown:properly raise a child, I didn’t have the resources to properly
Unknown:raise a child and I was not going to be responsible for
Unknown:messing up the life of another human being, like mine had been.
Unknown:So I chose that. I went into a deep depression started, you
Unknown:know, the addiction got worse. And so from then on, it was this
Unknown:cycle of dysfunctional relationship after dysfunctional
Unknown:relationship, abusive relationship after abusive
Unknown:relationship, drugs, more drugs, more partying. And then five
Unknown:years after I had my son, I had my daughter, I was 22. When I
Unknown:got pregnant, I was 23. When I had her and the guy that I was
Unknown:dating was, I found out that he was married with a fifth child
Unknown:on the way. And so I broke it off, I know. And two weeks later
Unknown:found out I was pregnant. So I was gonna put her up for
Unknown:adoption as well. But my mother had totally like, at this time,
Unknown:she had gotten clean. She was in a Alcoholics Anonymous, she was
Unknown:working steps, she had gotten a job, she was stable. She was
Unknown:like really doing it. And she was with this. She was with this
Unknown:new guy, the fifth husband, which I have to say she ended up
Unknown:being with him for 25 years. So that was good. But she begged
Unknown:me, please don’t give another one of my grandchildren up for
Unknown:adoption, I will take her and I will take care of her. So that’s
Unknown:what I did. And after that, I felt like even more of a failure
Unknown:as a woman as a mother. And I spiraled even deeper out of
Unknown:control. And for the first time I tried heroin. And that led me
Unknown:down a very, very scary path. I lived I moved to Baltimore, it
Unknown:was very plentiful there. I ended up on the streets, I ended
Unknown:up living on the streets sleeping in abandoned how they
Unknown:call them abandoned minions, abandoned museums, like because
Unknown:they have a lot of abandoned row homes there. I ended up
Unknown:prostituting myself and doing all manner of horrible things to
Unknown:my myself, I shot up I you know, I had sex for money. And so
Unknown:finally, I cleaned myself up from that extent, and I go to
Unknown:rehab for a little while I get out, I move back in with my
Unknown:parents. My daughter is now four or five and I decided I’m gonna
Unknown:go to college. And I go again in college in Florida. So I pack up
Unknown:everything, and I drive to Florida. And I start over and I
Unknown:you know, I started in graphic and web design, and I was doing
Unknown:really good. I met a guy I thought he was the one girl just
Unknown:knew it, of course. And we were together for two years. And I
Unknown:was doing good. I was you know, doing good. In school. I had a
Unknown:job. I had just landed a job as a graphic artist and I thought
Unknown:really, like I’m doing good, you know? And then I got hit by a
Unknown:car while writing my Bicycle. And they put me on the pain
Unknown:meds, and it activated my addiction, again, that I had
Unknown:been cleaned from now for probably like, close to seven or
Unknown:eight years, I had not done any opiates, you know. So um, but I
Unknown:still would smoke pot and have occasional drink, you know, if
Unknown:I, you know, hang out and stuff like that I just didn’t do any
Unknown:of that. But when I got on the pain meds, it started that cycle
Unknown:again, it woke up the dragon, so to speak. And so then
Unknown:my then boyfriend who I thought was the one started behaving
Unknown:oddly, and doing more drugs and like, doing them behind my back.
Unknown:And so finally, I was like, whatever is going on with you,
Unknown:you need to tell me. And what he told me was that he was HIV
Unknown:positive. And he had known the whole time. So we’ve been
Unknown:together for two years. And so I thought for sure I had it. And I
Unknown:did I don’t like I don’t God for the grace of God, I never got
Unknown:it. You know, I don’t understand. I don’t know, but
Unknown:I’m grateful, you know, but I thought that I had it. So I
Unknown:decided to stay with him. Because who else was going to
Unknown:love me with that? That’s what I thought this was my thought
Unknown:process. Nobody’s gonna want to be with me. You know, so I ended
Unknown:up staying with him. And we just use protection because I kept
Unknown:testing negative, but I was like, oh, it’s gonna it’s gonna
Unknown:show up sometime. And because I was negative, I couldn’t get any
Unknown:support. I couldn’t go to support groups. I couldn’t get
Unknown:any, like help in this area. Because they were like, well,
Unknown:you’re not positive. So we’re not going to help you. But I’m
Unknown:like, but you don’t understand, you know. So again, here I am,
Unknown:like, no help, no support. I am. I was going to psychologist and
Unknown:psychiatrist and I was on medication. They said, I have
Unknown:bipolar anxiety disorder, ADHD, and they put me on a myriad of
Unknown:medications. I was, I was, I mean, I have tried every psych
Unknown:med, I think that was out at the time to try before I realized
Unknown:the none of this shifts work. And now I’m still on this roller
Unknown:coaster, and it’s terrible. I so after that, I ended up relapsing
Unknown:again. And this time, instead of being the junkie on the street,
Unknown:I decided that I was going to be in the sex industry because it
Unknown:afforded me the amount of money I needed to to support my drug
Unknown:habit. I didn’t have to deal drugs. I just so I became a
Unknown:dominatrix I did erotic massage. I worked in the adult
Unknown:entertainment business in that aspect. And I had power over men
Unknown:that I never had before. And that power fed me my ego, a lot.
Unknown:And so underneath though, was a lot of guilt and shame, there
Unknown:was a lot of guilt and shame, there was a lot of just lower
Unknown:level consciousness, feelings assigned, I thought that I was a
Unknown:victim. I was a victim. I was still blaming everything in my
Unknown:past, I was still blaming, making excuses for everything.
Unknown:And that kept me stuck. And finally, finally, I ended up in
Unknown:different crazy, you know, I would just, I would like a
Unknown:Rolling Stone, I would end up here and here and here. It
Unknown:didn’t matter. I’d pick up and go like that, you know, it’s
Unknown:finally I ended up somehow I’m driving large quantities of
Unknown:marijuana across the country, Arizona to Florida. And I got
Unknown:caught in Texas. Yes. And I got I got probation but screwed that
Unknown:up royally. And so they came and picked me up in, you know,
Unknown:Florida, and I had to go, I got five years in prison. And so I
Unknown:ended up going to prison in Texas, which is I don’t
Unknown:recommend that at all. But it turned out to be the thing that
Unknown:helped me begin to change.
Unknown:And so I look at it as a blessing now whereas in before,
Unknown:you know, I did not and I was the victim. But looking back at
Unknown:it. I see now where that was the beginning of the transformation.
Unknown:I had hit bottom that and this wasn’t the last time I used but
Unknown:it was the beginning of the change because part of my parole
Unknown:answer was to I made row because I just had a marijuana charge in
Unknown:Texas, that’s not a big deal. You know, they deal with a lot
Unknown:of marijuana, I only had 30 pounds, that’s a third degree
Unknown:felony. So really it doesn’t it didn’t carry that much weight.
Unknown:So with all the overpopulated prisons, they were happy to let
Unknown:me go. And my parole answer was an in prison therapeutic rehab,
Unknown:where they did behavioral modification and cognitive
Unknown:intervention. And so I began to learn there how to take
Unknown:responsibility for my choices. I learned there what it was to be
Unknown:codependent, I learned there, what it was to, you know, have
Unknown:these cognitive distortions in the mind. And it fascinated me,
Unknown:it really did. And I was just like, I remember when I first
Unknown:got there, we had groups every day. And there was a group where
Unknown:they started talking about boundaries. I had no idea what a
Unknown:boundary was Anna, like, I was like, what, what the hell are
Unknown:they talking about? Yeah, and that was my first experience
Unknown:with a boundary. So fast forward, you know, I got out
Unknown:again, and, and I was doing good for a little while, but then
Unknown:relapsed again, this time, I had found meth. And I’d never done
Unknown:meth before. But I found it this time, and again, repeated the
Unknown:whole cycle, and ended up back in jail. And I honestly, like
Unknown:this, it was January 19, of 2016. And I was trying to pass a
Unknown:bad check. And I was on parole, and it was a misdemeanor charge.
Unknown:And I got arrested at the bank, I got caught. And they said, so
Unknown:I knew I thought I was like, Oh, my God, I’m going back to
Unknown:prison. This is it. I’m going back to prison. That’s it. And I
Unknown:made a decision right then and there. I was, like, I am done. I
Unknown:am done trying to do it this way. And if I go back to prison,
Unknown:it’s okay. I’ll be okay. You know, and I had just surrendered
Unknown:it. And I was like, I’m done with this lifestyle. It has
Unknown:beaten me up enough. And I felt there was this feeling
Unknown:overwhelming feeling of this is your last chance. You either get
Unknown:it together here, or you’re going to die, you know? So I
Unknown:did. And I’ve been clean ever since it’s been six years now.
Unknown:And I have Yes,
Anna Maydonova:thank you good relations.
Unknown:And I picked myself up out of that. And I immediately
Unknown:started going to na Narcotics Anonymous, I started I got a
Unknown:sponsor, I started working the steps, I started to really,
Unknown:really pour myself into it like, the same way I chased the drugs,
Unknown:I chased my recovery. And so in that process, I was able to
Unknown:finally move back home, they finally let me transfer my
Unknown:parole to Maryland. And I was finally able to be back home
Unknown:with my family after 25 years of being gone from my hometown
Unknown:here. And so in that process, about a year clean, I had a year
Unknown:clean and my I told my sponsor, I don’t ever think I’m going to
Unknown:be successful. I just don’t think it’s in the cards for me,
Unknown:you know, I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth, you
Unknown:know, I just that’s not going to be me, you know? And she says,
Unknown:Well, I think you need to look up what the word means. And
Unknown:research what other successful people are doing to be
Unknown:successful. So I, I did it. I was willing, you know, and open
Unknown:minded. So it opened up, like I just kind of went down the
Unknown:rabbit hole of personal development. And it intrigued me
Unknown:that, you know, there was these people who had nothing, they
Unknown:started with nothing, and it created success for themselves.
Unknown:And in that what is your definition of success? You know,
Unknown:I had to that’s changed for me and several, you know, over the
Unknown:years several times, where I thought, oh, money equals
Unknown:success, or fame equals success or having these things equals
Unknown:success. Now, I realized that it’s so much more than that. And
Unknown:so I’ve been on that path. I think about two or three years
Unknown:into being in recovery. I learned how to I became a Reiki
Unknown:Master. I learned how to start doing energy work. I felt really
Unknown:drawn to that. And then a few years. No, it’s going on two
Unknown:years. It’ll be two years in July 15. I was hypnotized for
Unknown:PTSD. I was hypnotized for it. cuz I was having flashbacks, I
Unknown:couldn’t control them. It was really, really the meds that I
Unknown:was on, I was on all kinds of meds not helping at all. And so
Unknown:I saw a hypnotist and I knew the meds weren’t helping. So I was
Unknown:like it was I think I was on Prozac. And Lamictal was a mood
Unknown:stabiliser and an antidepressant. And you can’t
Unknown:just stop those things, you know, you can’t, your brain has
Unknown:to reuptake and go through the process of beginning to make its
Unknown:own brain chemicals. Again, its own chemicals for that. So I was
Unknown:determined, though, I said, this is going to work for me. And I,
Unknown:after that session, I got off of those medications with no
Unknown:withdrawal, which was amazing. And so that what the
Unknown:transformation I had from that one session was so profound, I
Unknown:said, I have to learn that I had to help other people with this,
Unknown:you know, and so I began to study hypnosis. And after that,
Unknown:I think a year later, as I was almost finishing my hypnosis,
Unknown:training, I got into sound healing. And I was experiencing
Unknown:a lot of physical pain in the body and I had a coach and she
Unknown:said, you know, you should, you should look into sound healing.
Unknown:And whether you find a practitioner, you learn how to
Unknown:do it yourself. And I was like, okay, so I started learning that
Unknown:modality. And now, fast forward to now I have my own office. I
Unknown:am a certified hypnotherapist and a sound healing practitioner
Unknown:and a Reiki master teacher, and I help other people overcome
Unknown:their trauma now.
Anna Maydonova:Niki, what a story what a story. I just want
Anna Maydonova:to add something. I’m so I’m so grateful. I’ve met you. Me too,
Anna Maydonova:because and hypnotherapy helped me with my depression and
Anna Maydonova:anxiety and my shame. And yes, all the fears. And that’s,
Anna Maydonova:that’s how I I know the power of hypnotherapy. So I’ve also
Anna Maydonova:wanted to use this technique, this this method to help people
Anna Maydonova:to free themselves of the tyranny of these feelings. And
Anna Maydonova:that’s how I met you. I, honestly, I don’t know where to
Anna Maydonova:start. I have so many questions. Nikki, you’ve mentioned that
Anna Maydonova:you’ve forgiven all the people that were involved. Yes, in, in
Anna Maydonova:your trauma? Why is it so important to forgive?
Unknown:Forgiveness isn’t for the person who did the harm. The
Unknown:forgiveness is for you. It’s for me. I forgive so that I can be
Unknown:free of that. I realized that I was living in a story I was
Unknown:telling myself at this point, none of the past could be
Unknown:changed. There was nothing I could do to change that. But I
Unknown:could change how I looked at it. And as I began to change and
Unknown:reframe how I looked at the past, and those events, things
Unknown:began to change. And so I let go of that story, I let go of being
Unknown:a victim, I surrendered it to my higher power, which, by the way,
Unknown:I have been able to establish a very, very close connection with
Unknown:my higher power with God, I love you know, I love God and very
Unknown:spiritual and, and that’s really what has helped me a lot the
Unknown:most is the spiritual side of, of learning how to forgive if I
Unknown:don’t participate in organized religion, but I do love God, I
Unknown:love Jesus. I love his teachings. And I love I love
Unknown:that. I love that love is the way you know, unconditional love
Unknown:is how we heal. It heals all wounds. And so being able to
Unknown:forgive and forgive myself, most of my flashbacks were of what I
Unknown:did, not what was done to me, but what I did to somebody else,
Unknown:or what I did to myself, you know, and I was tormented by
Unknown:that. And it wasn’t until I was able to forgive myself and
Unknown:surrender that and let it go that I was able to really heal
Unknown:and and move forward
Anna Maydonova:Niki How was Your relationship with your
Anna Maydonova:children. Now have you have you been able to reconnect with your
Anna Maydonova:son?
Unknown:Yes, three years ago, my son, I found my son. And I’ll
Unknown:tell you, it was amazing. It was an amazing thing. I got to meet
Unknown:him. He was 25 years old. And he had been looking for me too. And
Unknown:so he came to visit and we had a huge family reunion, everybody
Unknown:came and they all met him and, you know, welcomed him. And
Unknown:then, six months later, I was getting married to my husband.
Unknown:And he was in the wedding. And he walked down the aisle next to
Unknown:my daughter. And it was such a happy ending. You know, it was
Unknown:like, how could this story, and my daughter and I are best
Unknown:friends. She’s my best friend, I was always able to stay
Unknown:connected to her because she did live with my mom. There was
Unknown:times where I was disconnected because my drug use was so bad,
Unknown:it was just best that I disconnected. Or it wasn’t easy.
Unknown:There was times where I wasn’t welcome, you know. And I
Unknown:understand that now because I was totally strung out. And so
Unknown:she never stopped loving me. And she never stopped. She always
Unknown:forgave me. And I think that really pissed my mom off,
Unknown:because my mom was angry with me and my mom held those
Unknown:resentments and she didn’t know how to forgive. Unfortunately,
Unknown:my mom passed of cancer, which I believe she was totally ate up
Unknown:because of unforgiveness, bitterness, and all of those,
Unknown:those negative lower level consciousness that cause that
Unknown:vibration that causes the body to, you know, if you don’t, if
Unknown:you look at what is what is it an emotion, buried alive, never
Unknown:dies, it festers, it boils, and it makes us sick. And I really
Unknown:believe that that is the source of cancer of disease is these
Unknown:unprocessed emotions festering in, in, in the field, you know,
Unknown:in the quantum field in our bodies. And so, yeah.
Anna Maydonova:I’m so happy to hear this. And the power of
Anna Maydonova:forgiveness. Thus, this magic, to your, to your world, to your
Anna Maydonova:relationship, with, with your family, with your friends with
Anna Maydonova:yourself.
Unknown:I can tell you that all of my relationships are healed.
Unknown:i Yeah, all of my relationships have healed. It’s, it’s, it’s
Unknown:miraculous, and it’s wonderful. You know, people trust me again,
Unknown:I can trust them again, I can trust myself, you know. So it’s
Unknown:been a wild, miraculous ride of wonder I, you know, I like
Unknown:sometimes I sit in, I sit somewhere like in my car, if I’m
Unknown:driving a lot, and I think about how great things are. Like,
Unknown:they’re frickin wonderful. You know, I couldn’t have asked for
Unknown:anything better. And there, you know, people are like, Oh, I
Unknown:don’t know what my purpose is. And I always used to be afraid
Unknown:it would be something I didn’t like. But no, this is amazing.
Unknown:It doesn’t even feel like work. It’s awesome.
Anna Maydonova:I know exactly what you’re talking about Nikki.
Anna Maydonova:And, you know, I can resonate with the story about your mom
Anna Maydonova:being in a relationship and seeking validation. Because my
Anna Maydonova:mother grown up in a loveless relationship. And my, my
Anna Maydonova:grandmother hated her. And still still does. wishing her death
Anna Maydonova:all the time she sees here. And when my mom married my father,
Anna Maydonova:my biological father, she was 18 and those time also trying to
Anna Maydonova:escape from your family home. She put him on the first place.
Anna Maydonova:Literally, she was in a very codependent relationship with
Anna Maydonova:him. And I believe it’s because she didn’t get the help that
Anna Maydonova:neither. Neither she knew. To be honest. Neither any one of us
Anna Maydonova:now. Because the the the power of the shame and you know, in
Anna Maydonova:the pain, it just, it doesn’t allow you to go and talk to
Anna Maydonova:someone. Yeah. What is your definition of codependent
Anna Maydonova:relationship? And how do you how do you realize that? Yes, this
Anna Maydonova:is this is decoded. and its relationship.
Unknown:So codependent relationship is when somebody is
Unknown:dependent on the other person for their validation that they
Unknown:need that person to validate them to make them feel like they
Unknown:are enough. And so I in a codependent relationship, I
Unknown:would, I would do these things doo doo doo, let me do this for
Unknown:you in that brief and this for you and that for you with the
Unknown:expectation that I was going to get some sort of fulfillment in
Unknown:return. And so a lot of times that fulfillment wasn’t
Unknown:returned, and I was disappointed and angry and bitter and
Unknown:resentful because I had these unrealistic expectations. Well,
Unknown:I did all this for you, you know. So it’s two people, it’s
Unknown:two people that aren’t whole, they aren’t healed, that come
Unknown:together. So you know, 5050 coming together still doesn’t
Unknown:make 100 You have to have 100 and 100, you know, to come
Unknown:together and make a hole. So anytime we come into a
Unknown:relationship on healed, and we still are seeking validation
Unknown:outside of ourselves, we are coming not at 100% we are going
Unknown:to have unrealistic expectations for our partner, and we aren’t
Unknown:going to be able to find that find that inner peace. Like I
Unknown:don’t I don’t know exactly know how to say it. But I can tell
Unknown:you like this, I love my husband very much. But if he were to die
Unknown:tomorrow, God forbid, my world would not be over. Yeah, okay.
Unknown:It would not devastate me because my internal validation
Unknown:now comes from me. I am enough. I am worthy. I am I am complete
Unknown:and here so that I don’t need anything outside anything
Unknown:outside coming in is is to compliment me is to add to, you
Unknown:know, not take away from so if anybody is in a codependent
Unknown:relationship. They’re going to never feel like they’re enough
Unknown:or satisfied, because they’re always expecting that whenever
Unknown:we expect to get validation from somebody else. Whenever we put
Unknown:out expectations. We’re always going to get let down because
Unknown:everybody’s human, you know, and you’re not a mind reader. You
Unknown:can’t tell what I’m expecting, you know, unless I articulate
Unknown:it, you know, and usually we don’t, we’re just like, he
Unknown:should have done this for me. Yeah. You know.
Anna Maydonova:Yeah. And I know, you know, I know for sure
Anna Maydonova:that my mother was in a codependent relationship with my
Anna Maydonova:stepfather. Because when I admitted when I told her that I
Anna Maydonova:was sexually abused by by him in September 2021. She told me, I’m
Anna Maydonova:so sorry. I knew it. She knew but she couldn’t bear the
Anna Maydonova:thought of him doing this to me. Neither she knew how to react on
Anna Maydonova:it. Neither she wanted to be alone. I’m just wondering, when
Anna Maydonova:you told your mom, what was happening between you and your
Anna Maydonova:father? What was your reaction? And how old were you?
Unknown:I was 11 years old. And I told my mom and she was angry.
Unknown:And she believed me. Because I and I think she believed me
Unknown:because nobody believed her. Nobody believed her, you know.
Unknown:And so she wanted to she became the mama bear at that time
Unknown:there. And my mom as dysfunctional as she was, there
Unknown:were good times. She really had a good way of making these bad
Unknown:situations that we were in good she and I learned that from her
Unknown:how to be optimistic how to look at things on the bright side,
Unknown:how to see the the miracle in the in the in the bad, you know
Unknown:what I mean? How to see that silver lining. And so she, I had
Unknown:to beg her not to do anything because I just didn’t want to go
Unknown:to court and be drug through the mud and have to answer all these
Unknown:questions and say this and say that and I loved my dad. I loved
Unknown:him. You know what I mean? He was I was daddy’s girl. You
Unknown:know? I don’t I want to say I don’t think he meant to do it in
Unknown:a in an intentional way like that or he didn’t realize that
Unknown:that’s the area that he was touching. And I want to say
Unknown:those things, but honestly, I think that there was an element
Unknown:of he didn’t know. And he was inappropriate. You know, my dad
Unknown:and I have mended our relationship. He is still alive
Unknown:and we are close. Now. We’ve he’s, he is apologized, he’s
Unknown:asked for forgiveness. He has said, you know, I know I did
Unknown:wrong by you, you know, I know I should have been a better
Unknown:father. And so what are you gonna you know what I mean? What
Unknown:do you do, and somebody admits it and owns it and says, Please
Unknown:forgive me, you know. And so he’s been a very supportive
Unknown:factor in my life. You know, now, we don’t ever talk about
Unknown:that. My brother had a very hard time when I first came home, he
Unknown:was still active in his addiction to alcohol. And so he
Unknown:basically brought it up, brought up the abuse, brought up that
Unknown:and called me a liar, and said that I made it up. And I
Unknown:wouldn’t admit that I made it out because I didn’t. And that’s
Unknown:what he wanted. He wanted me to admit that I lied, and that you
Unknown:made that up. And I didn’t. And so because I stood my ground, he
Unknown:confronted my father. And this is just like, a few, like five
Unknown:or six years ago. And so he brought it up again, which my
Unknown:dad and I, I thought about talking to him about it, you
Unknown:know, like, maybe you don’t remember, you know, I mean, what
Unknown:happened, but this is what happened, you know, but I
Unknown:didn’t. But my brother ended up getting the help that he needed.
Unknown:And he’s been in recovery. So that I think is healed. You know
Unknown:what I mean? He is experienced a lot of trauma as well. And he’s
Unknown:working through it in his own way. But yeah, it was, it was
Unknown:crazy. It was a crazy time, I was in rehab. And I told them in
Unknown:rehab, I was 14 when I went to rehab, or something 14 or 15.
Unknown:And so I told them what happened. So they made us do an
Unknown:intervention in a circle where I had to confront him in front of
Unknown:everybody in the group and say, you touched me inappropriately,
Unknown:and it was so I can’t believe I went along with that. I can’t
Unknown:believe I let them do that. And it was so traumatic, it was so
Unknown:re traumatizing. You know, I mean, this was in 1990. So they
Unknown:really didn’t have a lot of, you know, the knowledge they do now
Unknown:about trauma. And so it’s very traumatizing for me and the
Unknown:family. And everybody because my mom had to come. My dad had to
Unknown:come. I think my brother was there, like, and so after that,
Unknown:we I remember talking to my dad outside, and he was like, Nicky,
Unknown:I just don’t remember doing that. You know, I’m so sorry.
Unknown:But he was a drinker. You know. So. So yeah, so it still was
Unknown:brought up even as much as five years ago?
Anna Maydonova:Well, at least it was brought up. Yeah, this
Anna Maydonova:many people will die. And oh, yeah, the credit with them, and
Anna Maydonova:would never ever feel free. In there. Yes. Yeah, will always
Anna Maydonova:carry this burden. Yes. Nikki, what would be your best advice
Anna Maydonova:for someone who is going through a similar situation like you
Anna Maydonova:went through?
Unknown:My best advice is to find a way to process it.
Unknown:Because you you, you got to feel it to heal it. So find somebody
Unknown:who can help guide you through the process of, of processing
Unknown:your trauma, don’t keep it a secret anymore. Don’t keep it in
Unknown:our secrets, keep us sick. And so on the other side, and I know
Unknown:it’s so hard to believe it’s so hard to believe when you’re in
Unknown:the darkness, that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel
Unknown:that there’s freedom on the other side of that pain. But
Unknown:there is so much like, please, if I could just instill anything
Unknown:on anybody listening. There’s freedom on the other side, you
Unknown:can be free from that pain, you can be free from that. That
Unknown:memory you can be like there. Like I said, there’s no
Unknown:emotional charge there. I can tell this story and not be
Unknown:messed up for the rest of the day or the week or whatever. I
Unknown:can tell this story now. And it’s not the story that I’m
Unknown:living anymore. I had to let that story go and start to tell
Unknown:myself a different more serving story. You know what I mean?
Unknown:Like some of us get stuck in our stories, we get our trauma
Unknown:becomes our trophy. You know, who would I be without this
Unknown:trauma. It’s our identity now. And so if that’s you if that’s
Unknown:any, anybody who’s listening to this, and you can relate to that
Unknown:and you think oh, Oh, maybe I am stuck in this story, maybe there
Unknown:is a way out, then please, please find somebody who can
Unknown:help you process the trauma. Because there’s freedom, there’s
Unknown:a way out. You don’t have to live like this. It’s not meant
Unknown:to be, it’s not your play in life. It’s not the you know, the
Unknown:path, you know, that you have to be on, you can change that at
Unknown:any time, we get choices, you know, in between stimulus and
Unknown:response lies our freedom to choose our response. There’s
Unknown:that tiny moment in between what happens to us, and how we
Unknown:respond. There’s that space right there, where we get to
Unknown:choose how it’s going to affect us, we get to assign meaning to
Unknown:that. And that space is where we need to live in that space right
Unknown:there and say, Okay, that’s how, like, I never understood what
Unknown:they said, like, nobody can make you feel any kind of way unless
Unknown:you let them. You know, that’s what that means. I don’t have to
Unknown:allow even my inner critic to beat me up, you know, and it
Unknown:will the ego is a destroyer. You know?
Anna Maydonova:Thank you, what are you still working on? What
Anna Maydonova:is what is still left there for now?
Unknown:Well, now I’m working on transcending the ego, raising
Unknown:my level of consciousness. And so a lot of it is undoing the
Unknown:conditioning, the social conditioning, the process, you
Unknown:know, of the past. A lot of it is just undoing these
Unknown:inappropriate core beliefs that have kept me in the cycles of
Unknown:dysfunction. So these are well, like, emotional eating. keeping
Unknown:myself busy, so that I don’t have to, you know, do scaping.
Unknown:Yeah, escaping. So so just because you’ve processed the
Unknown:trauma doesn’t mean now that there’s those programs are still
Unknown:running in the subconscious mind. So that’s what I’m working
Unknown:on is reprogramming the subconscious mind to be able to
Unknown:even be more efficient and more, you know. Able to be present for
Unknown:the people that I’m able to help.
Anna Maydonova:That’s amazing. Nikki, it’s a work in progress.
Unknown:It is it’s a lifetime.
Anna Maydonova:Yeah, you never you never stop. There will
Anna Maydonova:always be something. But at least at least what’s the beauty
Anna Maydonova:of healing is that you can recognize that those negative
Anna Maydonova:beliefs limiting beliefs and negative self talk, running your
Anna Maydonova:life, literally, it’s not about what’s happening to you. It’s
Anna Maydonova:about what message? Are you saying to yourself?
Unknown:Yeah, yes, the most important thing you’ll ever hear
Unknown:is what you tell yourself.
Anna Maydonova:It’s exactly Yep. Niki, where people can find
Anna Maydonova:you,
Unknown:I am online at www dot living in the solution.net. And
Unknown:I can find my website there. So living in the solution is the
Unknown:name of my business because I decided that that’s where I
Unknown:wanted to be. And my level of consciousness is to choose to
Unknown:live in the solution today, I no longer want to live in the
Unknown:problem. So they can find me at living in the solution. dotnet
Anna Maydonova:amazing. Nikki, it was such a pleasure talking
Anna Maydonova:to you. And I want to acknowledge you for your courage
Anna Maydonova:to share your story so authentically, and, and so
Anna Maydonova:openly. And I know millions will resonate with your story.
Unknown:Thank you so much for this opportunity. I really am
Unknown:grateful that I’ve been able to be here today and share. If my
Unknown:psyche I always say and people are like, oh, you know, aren’t
Unknown:you ashamed to tell that part of your story is that if my story
Unknown:helps one person, then it’s worth being told. I don’t care
Unknown:about anybody else’s judgment, because there’s just a
Unknown:projection of what’s going on within them. You know, it’s not
Unknown:me. I’m not affected by that. Yeah.
Anna Maydonova:Well, actually, as soon as you say, as soon as
Anna Maydonova:you tell your story, The shame is disappearing. That’s yeah.
Anna Maydonova:Ladies and gentlemen. Niki, Patrick. Thank you for being
Anna Maydonova:here. I know it’s not easy, but there is a part of you, who is
Anna Maydonova:ready to take this journey all the way and I can help reach out
Anna Maydonova:to me directly at ANNA at Anna Marie de nova.com to get work.
Anna Maydonova:You can also connect with me on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn.
Anna Maydonova:For more healing stories and magic. This journey is
Anna Maydonova:impossible to do on your own. So make sure to like, subscribe,
Anna Maydonova:and review the podcast so we can help more people like you. If
Anna Maydonova:you have someone in your life who is struggling to overcome
Anna Maydonova:their trauma, this is something you can give them that truly can
Anna Maydonova:change the course of their life forever. We’ll see you next time
Anna Maydonova:for another episode of the world’s best Trauma Recovery
Anna Maydonova:podcast. And just remember, you are able to help yourself and
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