Today I am joined by Nikki Patrick, and she shares her inspirational journey through the darkness and into the light. She has done tremendous work to process her childhood traumas and has found her purpose in helping others see through the darkness to the freedom on the other side. Forgiveness and unconditional love are the way through to your healing. Listen in as Nikki shares her story and wisdom with us.

 

About our guest:

Nikki Patrick-Swartz is a Certified Hypnotherapist, Reiki Master & Sound Healing Practitioner from Easton Maryland. Her passion is helping others find a way out of their darkness and into a life they absolutely love. She spent many years battling mental illness, abuse, trauma, addiction, and the stigmas associated with those struggles. Her story truly is one of inspiration and success as she has overcome tremendous hardships and completely turned her life around for the better.

https://www.livinginthesolution.net/

 

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Transcript
Anna Maydonova:

I know you, you're afraid to speak up.

Anna Maydonova:

You're scared of what other people think of you. And you

Anna Maydonova:

blame yourself for what happened to you. I know how it feels.

Anna Maydonova:

Because I've been there. If you found me, I'm so grateful you

Anna Maydonova:

are here. This podcast will give you hope. And I'm your host in a

Anna Maydonova:

made ANOVA. And I'm going to hold your hand and provide the

Anna Maydonova:

guidance. It's time for you to find your why. And turn your

Anna Maydonova:

experience into your biggest power. This is your time now. So

Anna Maydonova:

lock your door, put your headphones in, and enjoy. Nikki

Anna Maydonova:

Patrick, welcome to the world's best Trauma Recovery podcast.

Nikki Patrick:

Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here.

Anna Maydonova:

Niki, I'm so glad to have you on my podcast,

Anna Maydonova:

because your story is incredible. And it is such a

Anna Maydonova:

inspiring and empowering for those who went through a sexual

Anna Maydonova:

childhood sexual abuse and being addicted to being addicted

Anna Maydonova:

beyond and trying to escape. Nikki, I would really love to

Anna Maydonova:

hear more about your story. But before I want to, I want to ask

Anna Maydonova:

you if you could tell us what, what is your purpose in this

Anna Maydonova:

life?

Nikki Patrick:

Hmm. I feel like my I've been on a journey,

Nikki Patrick:

searching for what my purpose is these past few years. And I

Nikki Patrick:

definitely feel as if my purpose in this life is to help others

Nikki Patrick:

heal from their trauma as well. And find a way out of the

Nikki Patrick:

darkness. I was stuck in the darkness for many, many years.

Nikki Patrick:

And I didn't know how to get out of it. And so I just kept trying

Nikki Patrick:

to escape any way that I could. And finally, I was brought to my

Nikki Patrick:

knees you know, you reach bottom, and there's nowhere else

Nikki Patrick:

to go. So it was either die or, or live or choose life. And so I

Nikki Patrick:

feel like now that I have been able to successfully pull myself

Nikki Patrick:

out of that. I want to help others do the same.

Anna Maydonova:

What an amazing purpose. And how did you come to

Anna Maydonova:

this point? Could you tell us a bit more about your childhood?

Anna Maydonova:

And yes, was happening?

Unknown:

Yes, I would love to, um, it's finally a story that I

Unknown:

can tell without any emotional charge behind it. And I was so I

Unknown:

was the firstborn of my mom. And my mother and father. They

Unknown:

married very young, they weren't probably ready. But my mom came

Unknown:

from a very abusive home, alcoholic home where there was a

Unknown:

lot of narcissism, a lot of physical abuse, mental abuse,

Unknown:

emotional abuse. And from what I'm understanding, because she's

Unknown:

no longer with us, she was also sexually abused. And she was

Unknown:

it's rumored that she was passed around knowingly passed around

Unknown:

to my grandfather's friends as a young teenager, so they could

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have their way with her. And so I believe that her trauma, her

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unprocessed trauma was the reason why she behaved the way

Unknown:

she did and raised me and my brother the way she did, which

Unknown:

was very in a very dysfunctional way. She just never back then.

Unknown:

And in the 60s and the 70s, you didn't really admit to having

Unknown:

mental illness, you didn't really know there was no help.

Unknown:

You know, there was no real help for people who had been through

Unknown:

that type of trauma, and to even admit it would be admitting

Unknown:

weakness. And that I think, was a belief of hers that she didn't

Unknown:

want to look at that, you know. So she herself did a lot of

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drugs to cover up her pain. There was a lot of manipulation,

Unknown:

a lot of paranoia, a lot of there's a lot, you know, going

Unknown:

on with her that was unable to be treated. And so when I tell

Unknown:

this story, I want to start off by saying that I have come to a

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place where I've been able to forgive my mother and love her

Unknown:

and understand and have compassion and empathy for her

Unknown:

as an abuser. First person, you know, as a victim of trauma and

Unknown:

childhood trauma. And so when I was born, she had married my

Unknown:

father to escape the farm that my grandparents lived on. And we

Unknown:

grew up on a working farm, we had 1000 hogs and 40,000,

Unknown:

chickens and horses and cows that it was a very big ordeal.

Unknown:

And so she needed to get out of that life. So she married my

Unknown:

father, who was in the military. And so it seemed like a really

Unknown:

good way out. But they did not get along at all. She had me and

Unknown:

then two years later had my brother. And she was not

Unknown:

prepared at he or she was 18. When she had me, she was not

Unknown:

prepared, I think for the responsibility of a child and I

Unknown:

was a very hyper child. I was very active. I was into

Unknown:

everything. And I think that also added a lot of stress to

Unknown:

her life. So my mother, she was a very, for the first seven

Unknown:

years of my life, she was like a practicing witch. And then she

Unknown:

became this born again, Bible thumping Christian. And I think

Unknown:

she was in the Pentecostal denomination of that. And so,

Unknown:

after my father and hers, marriage was so violent, he

Unknown:

broke her jaw, they were always fighting. They were always

Unknown:

throwing things. And I remember dishes being broken. I remember

Unknown:

my father, you know, he was a workaholic, he worked a lot, he

Unknown:

wasn't home to give her attention and things like that.

Unknown:

But also, my father had his own issues as well, he drank, he was

Unknown:

an alcoholic, and he he would be very controlling, we weren't

Unknown:

allowed to make noise. When we ate at the dinner table, we

Unknown:

could make noise when we drank anything. And so I was, I think

Unknown:

five and my brother was three, I remember this, this memory of my

Unknown:

father, my brother making noise, you know, when he was eating,

Unknown:

smacking his lips and making noise. And my father had, I

Unknown:

guess, told us so many times. So he snatches my brother up and

Unknown:

beats the shit out of him. And I was powerless, I was screaming

Unknown:

and crying for my brother and trying to protect him. And there

Unknown:

was, you know, this big huge fight. And I just remember, you

Unknown:

know, everything being ruined, going, you know, having to go to

Unknown:

bed and, and not eating dinner. And so

Unknown:

those types of that was it was that kind of violence in the

Unknown:

home, always yelling, always screaming, there was no safe

Unknown:

place. When I started kindergarten, it was only half

Unknown:

day, but I didn't want to go. I didn't want to, even though home

Unknown:

was violent. I didn't want to be away from home. I was very

Unknown:

traumatized as a young child, but not knowing that, you know,

Unknown:

I mean, this was in the 70s. So they finally divorced when I was

Unknown:

six. And my mother immediately went to the next guy, and she

Unknown:

married him. And he was a big time drug dealer. And she was I

Unknown:

think she was doing drugs. I don't know, she kept it very

Unknown:

secret, but I'm pretty sure from what people tell me she was on

Unknown:

drugs. And she was doing a lot of cocaine. And so that made her

Unknown:

very violent as well. So we, I mean, I remember getting beat

Unknown:

with extension cords and hair brushes and shoes, and whatever

Unknown:

she could hit us with. There was one time where I was playing in

Unknown:

the front yard, just minding my business, I had this little

Unknown:

metal milk crate, you know, and I was playing with my dog babies

Unknown:

in this, you know, milk crate, and the dogs come running around

Unknown:

from the backyard, they had let the dogs out. And they trampled

Unknown:

over me. And I was pushed into this metal milk crate, and my

Unknown:

ribs were broken, while I was crying, and crying and like

Unknown:

upset and my mother comes and she smacks me in the face. And

Unknown:

she says, pull it together. You are You know, before I give you

Unknown:

something really to cry about. And she didn't know at the time

Unknown:

my ribs were broken. But I remember going into my room and

Unknown:

thinking, Why doesn't she love me? Why How could How could she?

Unknown:

How could she be like this to her daughter? How could How

Unknown:

could she not love me? And I assigned that meaning? I I

Unknown:

remember thinking I hated her and I was so angry and I hated

Unknown:

her. And I was I I just saw and cried and lay there in my bed

Unknown:

and pain. And I just remember thinking I hate you. I hate You

Unknown:

I hate you. And it wasn't until hours later that I was finally

Unknown:

taken to the hospital. And they did X rays and found out that I

Unknown:

had broke my ribs. So of course, then she was all apologetic. It

Unknown:

was like this, this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with her, you never

Unknown:

knew what you were going to get. And I had to quickly learn how

Unknown:

to gauge your room when I walked in, because I never knew if she

Unknown:

was going to be nice. Or if she was going to be this raging,

Unknown:

angry person, you know, that marriage didn't last long. And

Unknown:

then she moved on to the next marriage, we moved a lot, I went

Unknown:

to a different school every year, we oftentimes I would come

Unknown:

home and there wouldn't be any lights, the electric would be

Unknown:

turned off, or there'd be an eviction notice on the door

Unknown:

because we wouldn't have been able to pay the rent. And so we

Unknown:

lived in people's basements, I remember living in a basement of

Unknown:

a friend's house, and it would flood when it would rain. So we

Unknown:

were on pallets. And that were just a little bit above the

Unknown:

floor, on with sleeping bags, and this was our bed, and then

Unknown:

water would come in and flood our whole sleeping area. So it

Unknown:

was it was very much there was no security or stability in my

Unknown:

life as a child. And so I was expected to go to school and

Unknown:

learn and and pay attention and focus. And I just couldn't do

Unknown:

it. Like I was really struggling in school. And because I was

Unknown:

expected to bring home good grades, and there was no

Unknown:

understanding of what I was experiencing at the time, I

Unknown:

would get in trouble I would get beat if I didn't bring home or

Unknown:

wasn't on on a roll or bring home a good grade. So I learned

Unknown:

quickly how to cheat and how to just get by, you know, with the

Unknown:

skin of my teeth. And so the third husband was a very mean

Unknown:

and violent man. This is when she became the born again,

Unknown:

Christian. And we were going to we there was a church, it's

Unknown:

local to hear. We had to go to church, every time there was

Unknown:

church, everything. Because she was a practicing witch before

Unknown:

she became a Christian. Everything was about spiritual

Unknown:

warfare, everything was about demons. And she took us to be

Unknown:

exercised by a priest and have the demons removed from us.

Unknown:

Every punishment then became in the name of God. You know, it

Unknown:

was very sick, very sick and twisted. We had a she had a

Unknown:

paddle. The paddle, it was painted on the panel was a

Unknown:

little girl sitting on a bench looking sad. And it said spare

Unknown:

the rod spoil the child. And that was the panel she beat us

Unknown:

with that they well they beat us with and so they would line. So

Unknown:

it was me and my brother, but then my mother said, Oh, I can

Unknown:

help other children through this church. And so she took in other

Unknown:

troubled kids not through the state, but through this

Unknown:

dysfunctional church, you know, and thought she was doing God's

Unknown:

work. And there was 11 of us at one time in the house. And they

Unknown:

used to line us up and just beat us for you know, spank us with

Unknown:

this paddle. If one person was bad, we all got in trouble. She

Unknown:

made us. This is so crazy. She made us write down we had an

Unknown:

assign one time she said everybody sit down at the table

Unknown:

she made us write us the worst punishment we could possibly

Unknown:

think of. And she was like, if you don't do it, right, you're

Unknown:

gonna get in trouble. So I wrote 10 wax with a paddle by each

Unknown:

child to the person who got in trouble. And so my stepbrother

Unknown:

had gotten in trouble so badly that he had to pull out of this.

Unknown:

They called it the it was like this wicker angel that sat on

Unknown:

the mantel. And it was a just a tchotchkes a little mantelpiece,

Unknown:

you know. And so she put all her folded up pieces of paper inside

Unknown:

of this angel and called the angel of death. And he had to

Unknown:

pick out of that, and he picked that one. And so we all had this

Unknown:

to beat him with this paddle. And I remember thinking to

Unknown:

myself, oh my god, he must be hurting so bad. I'm going to hit

Unknown:

him lower on his legs. So just to give his butt some rest, you

Unknown:

know. And so, after it was over, of course, he couldn't go to

Unknown:

school for a week because he was bruised. He couldn't even sit

Unknown:

down. He had to lay on his stomach. And so I got in

Unknown:

trouble. It was my fault that he couldn't go to school because I

Unknown:

hit him lower on his legs and I bruised him. And then it was the

Unknown:

kids. The other kids were like, well, who wrote that? And I was

Unknown:

like, Well, I did. You know, it was just following the rules. So

Unknown:

I became the They were, you know, that was my fault as well

Unknown:

from their perspective. So a lot of things were blamed on me,

Unknown:

throughout this whole experience, you know, have, I

Unknown:

tried to run away and I was always brought back. Then

Unknown:

finally, I, when I was like, I think 13 or 14, their marriage

Unknown:

wasn't working out. Again, we had been moving here and there,

Unknown:

and here and there. And I think they're 14, I smoked pot for the

Unknown:

first time. And, like, right after that, I did some other

Unknown:

drugs, I tried cocaine, I tried meth. And so that was the

Unknown:

beginning of my drug use to escape. And so instead of

Unknown:

getting any kind of help, I just use drugs. And so starting from

Unknown:

like, the age of 14, I became sexually active. I became, you

Unknown:

know, I started using drugs, I started partying all the time,

Unknown:

this is like in the late 80s, early 90s, I became, I had to

Unknown:

start working at 13 to help pay the bills because she had left

Unknown:

him

Unknown:

finally, and she got with another guy who was 11 years

Unknown:

younger than her. So she kept getting with these men over and,

Unknown:

you know, I mean, it was it, she couldn't be alone, it was always

Unknown:

had to be validated by some form, have a relationship with

Unknown:

another man. And we came second to that. And so there was a lot

Unknown:

of times where we didn't have food, we ate like, I remember,

Unknown:

there was a week where we had zucchini every single day.

Unknown:

That's it nothing else, because that's all they could afford to

Unknown:

get from, like the local farmers market or whatever food banks,

Unknown:

you know what I mean? So it was very food was very scarce. And I

Unknown:

remember finally, when I started working, she would take my

Unknown:

paychecks. And she would be like, you have to start helping

Unknown:

to contribute to the household. At 13 years old, I wasn't even

Unknown:

legal to work. And I was working under the table at a restaurant

Unknown:

washing dishes, to help out with the family. So very quickly,

Unknown:

responsibility was dumped on my shoulders as a child, I remember

Unknown:

to at 10 years old, she took in a brother, two brothers one was

Unknown:

too and the other one was four days old. The mother was in

Unknown:

prison. And she had the baby in prison, and my mom's had the

Unknown:

baby. And well, at 10 years old, it was my responsibility to get

Unknown:

up for midnight feedings to change the baby to take care of

Unknown:

the baby, because she had to get up and work all day long. Thank

Unknown:

God, my stepfather was a truck driver, and he was gone for the

Unknown:

whole week, you'd only be home on the weekend. So that was

Unknown:

great. Because as long as he wasn't in the house, it was

Unknown:

great. So at 10 years old, I knew how to cook full family

Unknown:

dinners. Do you know household chores and take care of this

Unknown:

baby this infant that was only 10 years or you know that was

Unknown:

only four days old when we got him. And again, like still this

Unknown:

this very angry perspective, you know, I mean of God, a punishing

Unknown:

God, a vengeful God a judging God, you know what I mean? It

Unknown:

was all that was what we were taught, you know. And so, to me,

Unknown:

that never resonated with me. I was like, That just doesn't make

Unknown:

sense. This can't be right. So I I separated from God, when as

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soon as I was as soon as she left him, and that was no longer

Unknown:

her her thing anymore. I was like, Screw this, I'm out of

Unknown:

this religious stuff, you know? And I really like I really

Unknown:

thought, like, what kind of God would allow me to go through

Unknown:

this, you know, what kind of God would would be okay with this,

Unknown:

you know, and so I really separated myself even further

Unknown:

from God and I started to act out sexually. There is some

Unknown:

instance now I can't remember everything. But I know that

Unknown:

there was always people around, she was partying a lot. And

Unknown:

there was people in and out of the house and there was men

Unknown:

around who were inappropriate, you know, with me as a child,

Unknown:

and I would always, you know, feel uncomfortable and get up

Unknown:

and run away, but they were very touchy feely in an inappropriate

Unknown:

way with a child, you know. And so, what had had my experience

Unknown:

with sexual abuse is my father inappropriately touched me as

Unknown:

well. Made me feel very uncomfortable. He used to make

Unknown:

me massage his legs, and all the way into the groin area and then

Unknown:

he would want to do my Do you know? Yes, and and so when he

Unknown:

would do that to me, he would slide in between, you know, my

Unknown:

lips down there. And so, finally I had had enough and I was just

Unknown:

like, I can't take this anymore. And I told my mom, and I begged

Unknown:

my mother not to call the police. I begged her, I was

Unknown:

like, I just don't want to go back over there, please, just

Unknown:

remove me, you know, I mean, I just don't want to go now. He

Unknown:

denied it. Ever. No. And on it, once again, I'm you know, I was

Unknown:

blamed my stepmother, my brother, my stepbrother,

Unknown:

everybody, because he denied it, you know, I was just causing

Unknown:

trouble. Because at this time, by this time, I'm really

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troubled, you know, I'm getting into trouble, I would have run

Unknown:

away a few times. I wasn't doing that great in school.

Unknown:

So I was just acting out, you know, just trying to get the

Unknown:

attention that I needed. But she has was so good at manipulation

Unknown:

and brainwashing that she was terrified of social services

Unknown:

coming in, and oh, if they take you away, it's gonna be way

Unknown:

worse than what you have here. And the fear of the unknown, you

Unknown:

know. So, as I tried to heal from that, I ended up on some

Unknown:

psych meds, and that didn't go over well. And I ended up in the

Unknown:

psych ward for trying to take too many of my pills. I wanted

Unknown:

to die, you know. And so that was at, I think, 14 was my first

Unknown:

time in an institution. It was the beginning, then 15 was my

Unknown:

first time in rehab. And I tried to stay clean after that, but it

Unknown:

just, I just wasn't in the right environment. I was doing a lot

Unknown:

of LSD, a lot of drinking. I was doing all manner of drugs to

Unknown:

escape and to get away, you know. So the this fourth husband

Unknown:

that my mom was, he was a crackhead. He liked to smoke

Unknown:

crack, and he drank alcohol and he would spend our money and he

Unknown:

ended up ripping off some one of the bigger drug dealers. And so

Unknown:

we had to move out of state. And so we moved to Tennessee, which

Unknown:

totally, you know, turned my world upside down again. And so

Unknown:

I became more and more sexually active seeking out this love and

Unknown:

this attention and this affection from anybody who would

Unknown:

give it to me, you know, boys my age, of course, I didn't really

Unknown:

go for older guys, because I guess the father figures in my

Unknown:

life had completely turned me off. So I wanted to be, you

Unknown:

know, with guys my age. But I was totally like, I mean, I've

Unknown:

literally, I guess I guess you could say it was a slut. But,

Unknown:

but I was very, very sexually promiscuous. I didn't care if I

Unknown:

was the side chick. I didn't care. You know, and I mean, I

Unknown:

was just, that's just who I was, you know. So as time went on,

Unknown:

finally, my mother, she hit me the last time when I was 16

Unknown:

years old. And she we had my brother and I and told her, you

Unknown:

know, with all the kids had gone home after at this point, you

Unknown:

know, now that she's with the fourth husband, and my brother

Unknown:

and I told her if you know, if this crackhead husband had gone

Unknown:

out on a bender, I think gotten an accident had to be life

Unknown:

flighted. And we told her is like if you take him back, we're

Unknown:

leaving. Well, lo and behold, she takes him back. So we said,

Unknown:

we're leaving. And she didn't like that. So she tried to beat

Unknown:

me with a stick and she had hit me like three times. And on the

Unknown:

fourth time, she went to hit me with it, I stopped her. And I

Unknown:

took 16 years of rage and anger out on her, and I beat the shit

Unknown:

out of her. Like I literally just went off and my brother

Unknown:

heard us fighting and he comes down with a baseball bat. And he

Unknown:

tells my mom, if you touch her one more time, I'm gonna kill

Unknown:

you. And so really, because my brother did that, you know, it

Unknown:

woke her up, I guess. And so finally we were able to leave.

Unknown:

And she let us go. My grandparents were happened to be

Unknown:

in town. They had taken my brother on a summer long trip to

Unknown:

Alaska from Tennessee, and they were bringing him back and I

Unknown:

asked, Could I please come live with them? And so I was able to

Unknown:

leave that house and go live with them. It's I was 16 he was

Unknown:

14 and we both left my mom at that time within I started to do

Unknown:

good, but I was still Trying to escape I had, I was going to

Unknown:

school, I was getting on a roll, I had three jobs. And I had a

Unknown:

boyfriend and I still was just like, in this Go, go go like

Unknown:

flight flight flight. Like if I just keep myself busy enough, if

Unknown:

I just keep myself, you know, I won't have to feel these

Unknown:

feelings, I won't have to, to feel this discomfort and this

Unknown:

pain. And so I had become, I had become my mom in a lot of ways.

Unknown:

You know, I didn't have any other example. I didn't have any

Unknown:

other. You know, that was my conditioning. My grandparents

Unknown:

were also narcissistic, alcoholics and dysfunctional,

Unknown:

and so it didn't get too much better. And when I was 17, I

Unknown:

ended up getting pregnant. And they kicked me out of the house.

Unknown:

And I went to

Unknown:

17. And they kicked me out, they were ashamed of me. I was, you

Unknown:

know, unwed, mother, teenage mother, and they just, you know,

Unknown:

an abomination to God or whatever they wanted to call it.

Unknown:

And so I ended up going to live with my aunt, which they were

Unknown:

going to put me in a home for girls in Baltimore. Because I

Unknown:

live in Maryland, and four girls who get pregnant and put their

Unknown:

babies up for adoption and never see them again. And so I didn't

Unknown:

want to do that. So my aunt was like, we'll help you put the

Unknown:

baby up for adoption. And so I went to live with her in Costa

Unknown:

Rica, which was great experience, I had a great time.

Unknown:

But when it came to, I knew what I was doing was the best thing

Unknown:

for my child, by putting him up for adoption. But it still hit

Unknown:

me really hard. I felt like a failure as a woman a failure as

Unknown:

a mom, you know, but I knew I was terrified to be a mother

Unknown:

terrified, I knew I wasn't I didn't have the skill set. To

Unknown:

properly raise a child, I didn't have the resources to properly

Unknown:

raise a child and I was not going to be responsible for

Unknown:

messing up the life of another human being, like mine had been.

Unknown:

So I chose that. I went into a deep depression started, you

Unknown:

know, the addiction got worse. And so from then on, it was this

Unknown:

cycle of dysfunctional relationship after dysfunctional

Unknown:

relationship, abusive relationship after abusive

Unknown:

relationship, drugs, more drugs, more partying. And then five

Unknown:

years after I had my son, I had my daughter, I was 22. When I

Unknown:

got pregnant, I was 23. When I had her and the guy that I was

Unknown:

dating was, I found out that he was married with a fifth child

Unknown:

on the way. And so I broke it off, I know. And two weeks later

Unknown:

found out I was pregnant. So I was gonna put her up for

Unknown:

adoption as well. But my mother had totally like, at this time,

Unknown:

she had gotten clean. She was in a Alcoholics Anonymous, she was

Unknown:

working steps, she had gotten a job, she was stable. She was

Unknown:

like really doing it. And she was with this. She was with this

Unknown:

new guy, the fifth husband, which I have to say she ended up

Unknown:

being with him for 25 years. So that was good. But she begged

Unknown:

me, please don't give another one of my grandchildren up for

Unknown:

adoption, I will take her and I will take care of her. So that's

Unknown:

what I did. And after that, I felt like even more of a failure

Unknown:

as a woman as a mother. And I spiraled even deeper out of

Unknown:

control. And for the first time I tried heroin. And that led me

Unknown:

down a very, very scary path. I lived I moved to Baltimore, it

Unknown:

was very plentiful there. I ended up on the streets, I ended

Unknown:

up living on the streets sleeping in abandoned how they

Unknown:

call them abandoned minions, abandoned museums, like because

Unknown:

they have a lot of abandoned row homes there. I ended up

Unknown:

prostituting myself and doing all manner of horrible things to

Unknown:

my myself, I shot up I you know, I had sex for money. And so

Unknown:

finally, I cleaned myself up from that extent, and I go to

Unknown:

rehab for a little while I get out, I move back in with my

Unknown:

parents. My daughter is now four or five and I decided I'm gonna

Unknown:

go to college. And I go again in college in Florida. So I pack up

Unknown:

everything, and I drive to Florida. And I start over and I

Unknown:

you know, I started in graphic and web design, and I was doing

Unknown:

really good. I met a guy I thought he was the one girl just

Unknown:

knew it, of course. And we were together for two years. And I

Unknown:

was doing good. I was you know, doing good. In school. I had a

Unknown:

job. I had just landed a job as a graphic artist and I thought

Unknown:

really, like I'm doing good, you know? And then I got hit by a

Unknown:

car while writing my Bicycle. And they put me on the pain

Unknown:

meds, and it activated my addiction, again, that I had

Unknown:

been cleaned from now for probably like, close to seven or

Unknown:

eight years, I had not done any opiates, you know. So um, but I

Unknown:

still would smoke pot and have occasional drink, you know, if

Unknown:

I, you know, hang out and stuff like that I just didn't do any

Unknown:

of that. But when I got on the pain meds, it started that cycle

Unknown:

again, it woke up the dragon, so to speak. And so then

Unknown:

my then boyfriend who I thought was the one started behaving

Unknown:

oddly, and doing more drugs and like, doing them behind my back.

Unknown:

And so finally, I was like, whatever is going on with you,

Unknown:

you need to tell me. And what he told me was that he was HIV

Unknown:

positive. And he had known the whole time. So we've been

Unknown:

together for two years. And so I thought for sure I had it. And I

Unknown:

did I don't like I don't God for the grace of God, I never got

Unknown:

it. You know, I don't understand. I don't know, but

Unknown:

I'm grateful, you know, but I thought that I had it. So I

Unknown:

decided to stay with him. Because who else was going to

Unknown:

love me with that? That's what I thought this was my thought

Unknown:

process. Nobody's gonna want to be with me. You know, so I ended

Unknown:

up staying with him. And we just use protection because I kept

Unknown:

testing negative, but I was like, oh, it's gonna it's gonna

Unknown:

show up sometime. And because I was negative, I couldn't get any

Unknown:

support. I couldn't go to support groups. I couldn't get

Unknown:

any, like help in this area. Because they were like, well,

Unknown:

you're not positive. So we're not going to help you. But I'm

Unknown:

like, but you don't understand, you know. So again, here I am,

Unknown:

like, no help, no support. I am. I was going to psychologist and

Unknown:

psychiatrist and I was on medication. They said, I have

Unknown:

bipolar anxiety disorder, ADHD, and they put me on a myriad of

Unknown:

medications. I was, I was, I mean, I have tried every psych

Unknown:

med, I think that was out at the time to try before I realized

Unknown:

the none of this shifts work. And now I'm still on this roller

Unknown:

coaster, and it's terrible. I so after that, I ended up relapsing

Unknown:

again. And this time, instead of being the junkie on the street,

Unknown:

I decided that I was going to be in the sex industry because it

Unknown:

afforded me the amount of money I needed to to support my drug

Unknown:

habit. I didn't have to deal drugs. I just so I became a

Unknown:

dominatrix I did erotic massage. I worked in the adult

Unknown:

entertainment business in that aspect. And I had power over men

Unknown:

that I never had before. And that power fed me my ego, a lot.

Unknown:

And so underneath though, was a lot of guilt and shame, there

Unknown:

was a lot of guilt and shame, there was a lot of just lower

Unknown:

level consciousness, feelings assigned, I thought that I was a

Unknown:

victim. I was a victim. I was still blaming everything in my

Unknown:

past, I was still blaming, making excuses for everything.

Unknown:

And that kept me stuck. And finally, finally, I ended up in

Unknown:

different crazy, you know, I would just, I would like a

Unknown:

Rolling Stone, I would end up here and here and here. It

Unknown:

didn't matter. I'd pick up and go like that, you know, it's

Unknown:

finally I ended up somehow I'm driving large quantities of

Unknown:

marijuana across the country, Arizona to Florida. And I got

Unknown:

caught in Texas. Yes. And I got I got probation but screwed that

Unknown:

up royally. And so they came and picked me up in, you know,

Unknown:

Florida, and I had to go, I got five years in prison. And so I

Unknown:

ended up going to prison in Texas, which is I don't

Unknown:

recommend that at all. But it turned out to be the thing that

Unknown:

helped me begin to change.

Unknown:

And so I look at it as a blessing now whereas in before,

Unknown:

you know, I did not and I was the victim. But looking back at

Unknown:

it. I see now where that was the beginning of the transformation.

Unknown:

I had hit bottom that and this wasn't the last time I used but

Unknown:

it was the beginning of the change because part of my parole

Unknown:

answer was to I made row because I just had a marijuana charge in

Unknown:

Texas, that's not a big deal. You know, they deal with a lot

Unknown:

of marijuana, I only had 30 pounds, that's a third degree

Unknown:

felony. So really it doesn't it didn't carry that much weight.

Unknown:

So with all the overpopulated prisons, they were happy to let

Unknown:

me go. And my parole answer was an in prison therapeutic rehab,

Unknown:

where they did behavioral modification and cognitive

Unknown:

intervention. And so I began to learn there how to take

Unknown:

responsibility for my choices. I learned there what it was to be

Unknown:

codependent, I learned there, what it was to, you know, have

Unknown:

these cognitive distortions in the mind. And it fascinated me,

Unknown:

it really did. And I was just like, I remember when I first

Unknown:

got there, we had groups every day. And there was a group where

Unknown:

they started talking about boundaries. I had no idea what a

Unknown:

boundary was Anna, like, I was like, what, what the hell are

Unknown:

they talking about? Yeah, and that was my first experience

Unknown:

with a boundary. So fast forward, you know, I got out

Unknown:

again, and, and I was doing good for a little while, but then

Unknown:

relapsed again, this time, I had found meth. And I'd never done

Unknown:

meth before. But I found it this time, and again, repeated the

Unknown:

whole cycle, and ended up back in jail. And I honestly, like

Unknown:

this, it was January 19, of 2016. And I was trying to pass a

Unknown:

bad check. And I was on parole, and it was a misdemeanor charge.

Unknown:

And I got arrested at the bank, I got caught. And they said, so

Unknown:

I knew I thought I was like, Oh, my God, I'm going back to

Unknown:

prison. This is it. I'm going back to prison. That's it. And I

Unknown:

made a decision right then and there. I was, like, I am done. I

Unknown:

am done trying to do it this way. And if I go back to prison,

Unknown:

it's okay. I'll be okay. You know, and I had just surrendered

Unknown:

it. And I was like, I'm done with this lifestyle. It has

Unknown:

beaten me up enough. And I felt there was this feeling

Unknown:

overwhelming feeling of this is your last chance. You either get

Unknown:

it together here, or you're going to die, you know? So I

Unknown:

did. And I've been clean ever since it's been six years now.

Unknown:

And I have Yes,

Anna Maydonova:

thank you good relations.

Unknown:

And I picked myself up out of that. And I immediately

Unknown:

started going to na Narcotics Anonymous, I started I got a

Unknown:

sponsor, I started working the steps, I started to really,

Unknown:

really pour myself into it like, the same way I chased the drugs,

Unknown:

I chased my recovery. And so in that process, I was able to

Unknown:

finally move back home, they finally let me transfer my

Unknown:

parole to Maryland. And I was finally able to be back home

Unknown:

with my family after 25 years of being gone from my hometown

Unknown:

here. And so in that process, about a year clean, I had a year

Unknown:

clean and my I told my sponsor, I don't ever think I'm going to

Unknown:

be successful. I just don't think it's in the cards for me,

Unknown:

you know, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, you

Unknown:

know, I just that's not going to be me, you know? And she says,

Unknown:

Well, I think you need to look up what the word means. And

Unknown:

research what other successful people are doing to be

Unknown:

successful. So I, I did it. I was willing, you know, and open

Unknown:

minded. So it opened up, like I just kind of went down the

Unknown:

rabbit hole of personal development. And it intrigued me

Unknown:

that, you know, there was these people who had nothing, they

Unknown:

started with nothing, and it created success for themselves.

Unknown:

And in that what is your definition of success? You know,

Unknown:

I had to that's changed for me and several, you know, over the

Unknown:

years several times, where I thought, oh, money equals

Unknown:

success, or fame equals success or having these things equals

Unknown:

success. Now, I realized that it's so much more than that. And

Unknown:

so I've been on that path. I think about two or three years

Unknown:

into being in recovery. I learned how to I became a Reiki

Unknown:

Master. I learned how to start doing energy work. I felt really

Unknown:

drawn to that. And then a few years. No, it's going on two

Unknown:

years. It'll be two years in July 15. I was hypnotized for

Unknown:

PTSD. I was hypnotized for it. cuz I was having flashbacks, I

Unknown:

couldn't control them. It was really, really the meds that I

Unknown:

was on, I was on all kinds of meds not helping at all. And so

Unknown:

I saw a hypnotist and I knew the meds weren't helping. So I was

Unknown:

like it was I think I was on Prozac. And Lamictal was a mood

Unknown:

stabiliser and an antidepressant. And you can't

Unknown:

just stop those things, you know, you can't, your brain has

Unknown:

to reuptake and go through the process of beginning to make its

Unknown:

own brain chemicals. Again, its own chemicals for that. So I was

Unknown:

determined, though, I said, this is going to work for me. And I,

Unknown:

after that session, I got off of those medications with no

Unknown:

withdrawal, which was amazing. And so that what the

Unknown:

transformation I had from that one session was so profound, I

Unknown:

said, I have to learn that I had to help other people with this,

Unknown:

you know, and so I began to study hypnosis. And after that,

Unknown:

I think a year later, as I was almost finishing my hypnosis,

Unknown:

training, I got into sound healing. And I was experiencing

Unknown:

a lot of physical pain in the body and I had a coach and she

Unknown:

said, you know, you should, you should look into sound healing.

Unknown:

And whether you find a practitioner, you learn how to

Unknown:

do it yourself. And I was like, okay, so I started learning that

Unknown:

modality. And now, fast forward to now I have my own office. I

Unknown:

am a certified hypnotherapist and a sound healing practitioner

Unknown:

and a Reiki master teacher, and I help other people overcome

Unknown:

their trauma now.

Anna Maydonova:

Niki, what a story what a story. I just want

Anna Maydonova:

to add something. I'm so I'm so grateful. I've met you. Me too,

Anna Maydonova:

because and hypnotherapy helped me with my depression and

Anna Maydonova:

anxiety and my shame. And yes, all the fears. And that's,

Anna Maydonova:

that's how I I know the power of hypnotherapy. So I've also

Anna Maydonova:

wanted to use this technique, this this method to help people

Anna Maydonova:

to free themselves of the tyranny of these feelings. And

Anna Maydonova:

that's how I met you. I, honestly, I don't know where to

Anna Maydonova:

start. I have so many questions. Nikki, you've mentioned that

Anna Maydonova:

you've forgiven all the people that were involved. Yes, in, in

Anna Maydonova:

your trauma? Why is it so important to forgive?

Unknown:

Forgiveness isn't for the person who did the harm. The

Unknown:

forgiveness is for you. It's for me. I forgive so that I can be

Unknown:

free of that. I realized that I was living in a story I was

Unknown:

telling myself at this point, none of the past could be

Unknown:

changed. There was nothing I could do to change that. But I

Unknown:

could change how I looked at it. And as I began to change and

Unknown:

reframe how I looked at the past, and those events, things

Unknown:

began to change. And so I let go of that story, I let go of being

Unknown:

a victim, I surrendered it to my higher power, which, by the way,

Unknown:

I have been able to establish a very, very close connection with

Unknown:

my higher power with God, I love you know, I love God and very

Unknown:

spiritual and, and that's really what has helped me a lot the

Unknown:

most is the spiritual side of, of learning how to forgive if I

Unknown:

don't participate in organized religion, but I do love God, I

Unknown:

love Jesus. I love his teachings. And I love I love

Unknown:

that. I love that love is the way you know, unconditional love

Unknown:

is how we heal. It heals all wounds. And so being able to

Unknown:

forgive and forgive myself, most of my flashbacks were of what I

Unknown:

did, not what was done to me, but what I did to somebody else,

Unknown:

or what I did to myself, you know, and I was tormented by

Unknown:

that. And it wasn't until I was able to forgive myself and

Unknown:

surrender that and let it go that I was able to really heal

Unknown:

and and move forward

Anna Maydonova:

Niki How was Your relationship with your

Anna Maydonova:

children. Now have you have you been able to reconnect with your

Anna Maydonova:

son?

Unknown:

Yes, three years ago, my son, I found my son. And I'll

Unknown:

tell you, it was amazing. It was an amazing thing. I got to meet

Unknown:

him. He was 25 years old. And he had been looking for me too. And

Unknown:

so he came to visit and we had a huge family reunion, everybody

Unknown:

came and they all met him and, you know, welcomed him. And

Unknown:

then, six months later, I was getting married to my husband.

Unknown:

And he was in the wedding. And he walked down the aisle next to

Unknown:

my daughter. And it was such a happy ending. You know, it was

Unknown:

like, how could this story, and my daughter and I are best

Unknown:

friends. She's my best friend, I was always able to stay

Unknown:

connected to her because she did live with my mom. There was

Unknown:

times where I was disconnected because my drug use was so bad,

Unknown:

it was just best that I disconnected. Or it wasn't easy.

Unknown:

There was times where I wasn't welcome, you know. And I

Unknown:

understand that now because I was totally strung out. And so

Unknown:

she never stopped loving me. And she never stopped. She always

Unknown:

forgave me. And I think that really pissed my mom off,

Unknown:

because my mom was angry with me and my mom held those

Unknown:

resentments and she didn't know how to forgive. Unfortunately,

Unknown:

my mom passed of cancer, which I believe she was totally ate up

Unknown:

because of unforgiveness, bitterness, and all of those,

Unknown:

those negative lower level consciousness that cause that

Unknown:

vibration that causes the body to, you know, if you don't, if

Unknown:

you look at what is what is it an emotion, buried alive, never

Unknown:

dies, it festers, it boils, and it makes us sick. And I really

Unknown:

believe that that is the source of cancer of disease is these

Unknown:

unprocessed emotions festering in, in, in the field, you know,

Unknown:

in the quantum field in our bodies. And so, yeah.

Anna Maydonova:

I'm so happy to hear this. And the power of

Anna Maydonova:

forgiveness. Thus, this magic, to your, to your world, to your

Anna Maydonova:

relationship, with, with your family, with your friends with

Anna Maydonova:

yourself.

Unknown:

I can tell you that all of my relationships are healed.

Unknown:

i Yeah, all of my relationships have healed. It's, it's, it's

Unknown:

miraculous, and it's wonderful. You know, people trust me again,

Unknown:

I can trust them again, I can trust myself, you know. So it's

Unknown:

been a wild, miraculous ride of wonder I, you know, I like

Unknown:

sometimes I sit in, I sit somewhere like in my car, if I'm

Unknown:

driving a lot, and I think about how great things are. Like,

Unknown:

they're frickin wonderful. You know, I couldn't have asked for

Unknown:

anything better. And there, you know, people are like, Oh, I

Unknown:

don't know what my purpose is. And I always used to be afraid

Unknown:

it would be something I didn't like. But no, this is amazing.

Unknown:

It doesn't even feel like work. It's awesome.

Anna Maydonova:

I know exactly what you're talking about Nikki.

Anna Maydonova:

And, you know, I can resonate with the story about your mom

Anna Maydonova:

being in a relationship and seeking validation. Because my

Anna Maydonova:

mother grown up in a loveless relationship. And my, my

Anna Maydonova:

grandmother hated her. And still still does. wishing her death

Anna Maydonova:

all the time she sees here. And when my mom married my father,

Anna Maydonova:

my biological father, she was 18 and those time also trying to

Anna Maydonova:

escape from your family home. She put him on the first place.

Anna Maydonova:

Literally, she was in a very codependent relationship with

Anna Maydonova:

him. And I believe it's because she didn't get the help that

Anna Maydonova:

neither. Neither she knew. To be honest. Neither any one of us

Anna Maydonova:

now. Because the the the power of the shame and you know, in

Anna Maydonova:

the pain, it just, it doesn't allow you to go and talk to

Anna Maydonova:

someone. Yeah. What is your definition of codependent

Anna Maydonova:

relationship? And how do you how do you realize that? Yes, this

Anna Maydonova:

is this is decoded. and its relationship.

Unknown:

So codependent relationship is when somebody is

Unknown:

dependent on the other person for their validation that they

Unknown:

need that person to validate them to make them feel like they

Unknown:

are enough. And so I in a codependent relationship, I

Unknown:

would, I would do these things doo doo doo, let me do this for

Unknown:

you in that brief and this for you and that for you with the

Unknown:

expectation that I was going to get some sort of fulfillment in

Unknown:

return. And so a lot of times that fulfillment wasn't

Unknown:

returned, and I was disappointed and angry and bitter and

Unknown:

resentful because I had these unrealistic expectations. Well,

Unknown:

I did all this for you, you know. So it's two people, it's

Unknown:

two people that aren't whole, they aren't healed, that come

Unknown:

together. So you know, 5050 coming together still doesn't

Unknown:

make 100 You have to have 100 and 100, you know, to come

Unknown:

together and make a hole. So anytime we come into a

Unknown:

relationship on healed, and we still are seeking validation

Unknown:

outside of ourselves, we are coming not at 100% we are going

Unknown:

to have unrealistic expectations for our partner, and we aren't

Unknown:

going to be able to find that find that inner peace. Like I

Unknown:

don't I don't know exactly know how to say it. But I can tell

Unknown:

you like this, I love my husband very much. But if he were to die

Unknown:

tomorrow, God forbid, my world would not be over. Yeah, okay.

Unknown:

It would not devastate me because my internal validation

Unknown:

now comes from me. I am enough. I am worthy. I am I am complete

Unknown:

and here so that I don't need anything outside anything

Unknown:

outside coming in is is to compliment me is to add to, you

Unknown:

know, not take away from so if anybody is in a codependent

Unknown:

relationship. They're going to never feel like they're enough

Unknown:

or satisfied, because they're always expecting that whenever

Unknown:

we expect to get validation from somebody else. Whenever we put

Unknown:

out expectations. We're always going to get let down because

Unknown:

everybody's human, you know, and you're not a mind reader. You

Unknown:

can't tell what I'm expecting, you know, unless I articulate

Unknown:

it, you know, and usually we don't, we're just like, he

Unknown:

should have done this for me. Yeah. You know.

Anna Maydonova:

Yeah. And I know, you know, I know for sure

Anna Maydonova:

that my mother was in a codependent relationship with my

Anna Maydonova:

stepfather. Because when I admitted when I told her that I

Anna Maydonova:

was sexually abused by by him in September 2021. She told me, I'm

Anna Maydonova:

so sorry. I knew it. She knew but she couldn't bear the

Anna Maydonova:

thought of him doing this to me. Neither she knew how to react on

Anna Maydonova:

it. Neither she wanted to be alone. I'm just wondering, when

Anna Maydonova:

you told your mom, what was happening between you and your

Anna Maydonova:

father? What was your reaction? And how old were you?

Unknown:

I was 11 years old. And I told my mom and she was angry.

Unknown:

And she believed me. Because I and I think she believed me

Unknown:

because nobody believed her. Nobody believed her, you know.

Unknown:

And so she wanted to she became the mama bear at that time

Unknown:

there. And my mom as dysfunctional as she was, there

Unknown:

were good times. She really had a good way of making these bad

Unknown:

situations that we were in good she and I learned that from her

Unknown:

how to be optimistic how to look at things on the bright side,

Unknown:

how to see the the miracle in the in the in the bad, you know

Unknown:

what I mean? How to see that silver lining. And so she, I had

Unknown:

to beg her not to do anything because I just didn't want to go

Unknown:

to court and be drug through the mud and have to answer all these

Unknown:

questions and say this and say that and I loved my dad. I loved

Unknown:

him. You know what I mean? He was I was daddy's girl. You

Unknown:

know? I don't I want to say I don't think he meant to do it in

Unknown:

a in an intentional way like that or he didn't realize that

Unknown:

that's the area that he was touching. And I want to say

Unknown:

those things, but honestly, I think that there was an element

Unknown:

of he didn't know. And he was inappropriate. You know, my dad

Unknown:

and I have mended our relationship. He is still alive

Unknown:

and we are close. Now. We've he's, he is apologized, he's

Unknown:

asked for forgiveness. He has said, you know, I know I did

Unknown:

wrong by you, you know, I know I should have been a better

Unknown:

father. And so what are you gonna you know what I mean? What

Unknown:

do you do, and somebody admits it and owns it and says, Please

Unknown:

forgive me, you know. And so he's been a very supportive

Unknown:

factor in my life. You know, now, we don't ever talk about

Unknown:

that. My brother had a very hard time when I first came home, he

Unknown:

was still active in his addiction to alcohol. And so he

Unknown:

basically brought it up, brought up the abuse, brought up that

Unknown:

and called me a liar, and said that I made it up. And I

Unknown:

wouldn't admit that I made it out because I didn't. And that's

Unknown:

what he wanted. He wanted me to admit that I lied, and that you

Unknown:

made that up. And I didn't. And so because I stood my ground, he

Unknown:

confronted my father. And this is just like, a few, like five

Unknown:

or six years ago. And so he brought it up again, which my

Unknown:

dad and I, I thought about talking to him about it, you

Unknown:

know, like, maybe you don't remember, you know, I mean, what

Unknown:

happened, but this is what happened, you know, but I

Unknown:

didn't. But my brother ended up getting the help that he needed.

Unknown:

And he's been in recovery. So that I think is healed. You know

Unknown:

what I mean? He is experienced a lot of trauma as well. And he's

Unknown:

working through it in his own way. But yeah, it was, it was

Unknown:

crazy. It was a crazy time, I was in rehab. And I told them in

Unknown:

rehab, I was 14 when I went to rehab, or something 14 or 15.

Unknown:

And so I told them what happened. So they made us do an

Unknown:

intervention in a circle where I had to confront him in front of

Unknown:

everybody in the group and say, you touched me inappropriately,

Unknown:

and it was so I can't believe I went along with that. I can't

Unknown:

believe I let them do that. And it was so traumatic, it was so

Unknown:

re traumatizing. You know, I mean, this was in 1990. So they

Unknown:

really didn't have a lot of, you know, the knowledge they do now

Unknown:

about trauma. And so it's very traumatizing for me and the

Unknown:

family. And everybody because my mom had to come. My dad had to

Unknown:

come. I think my brother was there, like, and so after that,

Unknown:

we I remember talking to my dad outside, and he was like, Nicky,

Unknown:

I just don't remember doing that. You know, I'm so sorry.

Unknown:

But he was a drinker. You know. So. So yeah, so it still was

Unknown:

brought up even as much as five years ago?

Anna Maydonova:

Well, at least it was brought up. Yeah, this

Anna Maydonova:

many people will die. And oh, yeah, the credit with them, and

Anna Maydonova:

would never ever feel free. In there. Yes. Yeah, will always

Anna Maydonova:

carry this burden. Yes. Nikki, what would be your best advice

Anna Maydonova:

for someone who is going through a similar situation like you

Anna Maydonova:

went through?

Unknown:

My best advice is to find a way to process it.

Unknown:

Because you you, you got to feel it to heal it. So find somebody

Unknown:

who can help guide you through the process of, of processing

Unknown:

your trauma, don't keep it a secret anymore. Don't keep it in

Unknown:

our secrets, keep us sick. And so on the other side, and I know

Unknown:

it's so hard to believe it's so hard to believe when you're in

Unknown:

the darkness, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel

Unknown:

that there's freedom on the other side of that pain. But

Unknown:

there is so much like, please, if I could just instill anything

Unknown:

on anybody listening. There's freedom on the other side, you

Unknown:

can be free from that pain, you can be free from that. That

Unknown:

memory you can be like there. Like I said, there's no

Unknown:

emotional charge there. I can tell this story and not be

Unknown:

messed up for the rest of the day or the week or whatever. I

Unknown:

can tell this story now. And it's not the story that I'm

Unknown:

living anymore. I had to let that story go and start to tell

Unknown:

myself a different more serving story. You know what I mean?

Unknown:

Like some of us get stuck in our stories, we get our trauma

Unknown:

becomes our trophy. You know, who would I be without this

Unknown:

trauma. It's our identity now. And so if that's you if that's

Unknown:

any, anybody who's listening to this, and you can relate to that

Unknown:

and you think oh, Oh, maybe I am stuck in this story, maybe there

Unknown:

is a way out, then please, please find somebody who can

Unknown:

help you process the trauma. Because there's freedom, there's

Unknown:

a way out. You don't have to live like this. It's not meant

Unknown:

to be, it's not your play in life. It's not the you know, the

Unknown:

path, you know, that you have to be on, you can change that at

Unknown:

any time, we get choices, you know, in between stimulus and

Unknown:

response lies our freedom to choose our response. There's

Unknown:

that tiny moment in between what happens to us, and how we

Unknown:

respond. There's that space right there, where we get to

Unknown:

choose how it's going to affect us, we get to assign meaning to

Unknown:

that. And that space is where we need to live in that space right

Unknown:

there and say, Okay, that's how, like, I never understood what

Unknown:

they said, like, nobody can make you feel any kind of way unless

Unknown:

you let them. You know, that's what that means. I don't have to

Unknown:

allow even my inner critic to beat me up, you know, and it

Unknown:

will the ego is a destroyer. You know?

Anna Maydonova:

Thank you, what are you still working on? What

Anna Maydonova:

is what is still left there for now?

Unknown:

Well, now I'm working on transcending the ego, raising

Unknown:

my level of consciousness. And so a lot of it is undoing the

Unknown:

conditioning, the social conditioning, the process, you

Unknown:

know, of the past. A lot of it is just undoing these

Unknown:

inappropriate core beliefs that have kept me in the cycles of

Unknown:

dysfunction. So these are well, like, emotional eating. keeping

Unknown:

myself busy, so that I don't have to, you know, do scaping.

Unknown:

Yeah, escaping. So so just because you've processed the

Unknown:

trauma doesn't mean now that there's those programs are still

Unknown:

running in the subconscious mind. So that's what I'm working

Unknown:

on is reprogramming the subconscious mind to be able to

Unknown:

even be more efficient and more, you know. Able to be present for

Unknown:

the people that I'm able to help.

Anna Maydonova:

That's amazing. Nikki, it's a work in progress.

Unknown:

It is it's a lifetime.

Anna Maydonova:

Yeah, you never you never stop. There will

Anna Maydonova:

always be something. But at least at least what's the beauty

Anna Maydonova:

of healing is that you can recognize that those negative

Anna Maydonova:

beliefs limiting beliefs and negative self talk, running your

Anna Maydonova:

life, literally, it's not about what's happening to you. It's

Anna Maydonova:

about what message? Are you saying to yourself?

Unknown:

Yeah, yes, the most important thing you'll ever hear

Unknown:

is what you tell yourself.

Anna Maydonova:

It's exactly Yep. Niki, where people can find

Anna Maydonova:

you,

Unknown:

I am online at www dot living in the solution.net. And

Unknown:

I can find my website there. So living in the solution is the

Unknown:

name of my business because I decided that that's where I

Unknown:

wanted to be. And my level of consciousness is to choose to

Unknown:

live in the solution today, I no longer want to live in the

Unknown:

problem. So they can find me at living in the solution. dotnet

Anna Maydonova:

amazing. Nikki, it was such a pleasure talking

Anna Maydonova:

to you. And I want to acknowledge you for your courage

Anna Maydonova:

to share your story so authentically, and, and so

Anna Maydonova:

openly. And I know millions will resonate with your story.

Unknown:

Thank you so much for this opportunity. I really am

Unknown:

grateful that I've been able to be here today and share. If my

Unknown:

psyche I always say and people are like, oh, you know, aren't

Unknown:

you ashamed to tell that part of your story is that if my story

Unknown:

helps one person, then it's worth being told. I don't care

Unknown:

about anybody else's judgment, because there's just a

Unknown:

projection of what's going on within them. You know, it's not

Unknown:

me. I'm not affected by that. Yeah.

Anna Maydonova:

Well, actually, as soon as you say, as soon as

Anna Maydonova:

you tell your story, The shame is disappearing. That's yeah.

Anna Maydonova:

Ladies and gentlemen. Niki, Patrick. Thank you for being

Anna Maydonova:

here. I know it's not easy, but there is a part of you, who is

Anna Maydonova:

ready to take this journey all the way and I can help reach out

Anna Maydonova:

to me directly at ANNA at Anna Marie de nova.com to get work.

Anna Maydonova:

You can also connect with me on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn.

Anna Maydonova:

For more healing stories and magic. This journey is

Anna Maydonova:

impossible to do on your own. So make sure to like, subscribe,

Anna Maydonova:

and review the podcast so we can help more people like you. If

Anna Maydonova:

you have someone in your life who is struggling to overcome

Anna Maydonova:

their trauma, this is something you can give them that truly can

Anna Maydonova:

change the course of their life forever. We'll see you next time

Anna Maydonova:

for another episode of the world's best Trauma Recovery

Anna Maydonova:

podcast. And just remember, you are able to help yourself and

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